Skip to main content

Letting Love Go

I'd always heard that "if you love someone, you have to let them go." I didn't know everything about what that meant until recently. It sounds so simple--until you're clutching your chest at 2am, lost somewhere between a heartattack and freedom.

It's always been easy letting people go...or shall I say easier. I didn't love them. The love didn't run deep. My hopes and dreams weren't tangled up in them. I didn't care of they were happy after I let them go. I didn't care if they'd ever be satisfied. But when love is involved, it's hard to not care. It's hard to not wonder what they are doing with the Sunday evenings you used to share together. Letting love go is miserable.

I'm slowly beginning to embrace the freedom that I have been involuntarily granted. But would I rather love than be free? Today, I would. Maybe tomorrow, I'll feel differently. And the next day, I'll go back to favoring love. Who knows? I don't.

I'm learning to be okay with not knowing in this process. I empower anyone going through a purge--voluntary or involuntary--to be okay with not knowing in the process. Be okay with the uncertainty of your day-to-day emotions. Be okay with the chills that come with the detoxification. Be okay with your hurt. Be okay with the withdrawals. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I pray that the love I have for myself will conquer the love that's been lost--that I'll wake one day and not think about what I'm missing, but about all that I have and I am. I am enough love. You are enough, love. We are enough.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Finding Love after Sexual Assault

Disclaimer: For mature audiences only
I was sexually assaulted on a first date when I was 24. The events of that evening landed me in Harlem Hospital at 2 am with a concussion and a bruise on my forehead (among other things). During the hours in which I took up residence in a private emergency room, I was coached by a nurse on how to proceed--to take legal action immediately or to not take legal action...to complete a rape kit or to not complete a rape kit. It was overwhelming. I also had to take 17 pills, mostly anti-viral meds. It was intense. There was a moment when I looked up to the ceiling and silently bemoaned. "Really God?" I said, as the quick air from a painful chuckle slipped through my lips. I felt like I was in an episode of Law & Order: SVU. I felt defeated. I felt stupid. I felt isolated. And all because I said, "yes." The details of what transpired that evening are not important to this post. What is important, however, is how the lingering trau…

"We Thought You'd Be Next." πŸ’πŸ‘°πŸΎπŸ€ͺ

Recently, my little brother got engaged. πŸŽ‰ But can I just say, Hashtag Triggered?! πŸ˜‘
I was very thrilled that he finally proposed to his now fiance and that I absolutely love her. She is so sweet and brings goodness into his world. I'm so excited for them. However, during my last trip home to New Orleans, a family member was chatting with me about it and asked about my relationship, and then proceeded to say,
"I thought you'd be next." 😣
B*TCH, ME TOO! DAMN!
I did not say this aloud as I was in my father's house (#shondo #imchurchy), but everything in my body tensed up. Every hair stood up on my boiling skin and my heart began palpitating as I attempted to calmly explain why I wouldn't "be next" while simultaneously trying not to burst into tears in front of company. I started rambling about my burgeoning career--about "our" careers--and attempting to refocus the conversation while wanting to jump into the large pot of red beans simmer…

Embrace Your Evolution

Today, I learned that God's plans for us aren't final--that sometimes life/humans get in the way, and even God has to start all over again with the planning.
We may hear God speaking to us about something very specific that God has planned for us and years later, be questioning whether what was spoken was really God or some made up voice in our heads. Usually, we're interrogating that when we feel betrayed by what we thought was a God-plan that didn't come to fruition, or when we feel that God has been silent for too long and the plan hasn't manifested the way we thought it should've. We start to think we've misunderstood God.
But perhaps, God is rearranging some things--that God is adjusting God's plan for our lives so that it can stay true to the ways in which we've evolved since the plan was spoken. Perhaps, God is staying true to the ways people and the universe have evolved. Perhaps, the original plan no longer fits.
This was a most freeing r…