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Finding Love after Sexual Assault

Disclaimer: For mature audiences only
I was sexually assaulted on a first date when I was 24. The events of that evening landed me in Harlem Hospital at 2 am with a concussion and a bruise on my forehead (among other things). During the hours in which I took up residence in a private emergency room, I was coached by a nurse on how to proceed--to take legal action immediately or to not take legal action...to complete a rape kit or to not complete a rape kit. It was overwhelming. I also had to take 17 pills, mostly anti-viral meds. It was intense. There was a moment when I looked up to the ceiling and silently bemoaned. "Really God?" I said, as the quick air from a painful chuckle slipped through my lips. I felt like I was in an episode of Law & Order: SVU. I felt defeated. I felt stupid. I felt isolated. And all because I said, "yes." The details of what transpired that evening are not important to this post. What is important, however, is how the lingering trau…
Recent posts

I Refuse to Sing the Blues

I don't have a song for you today
All I feel is black and blue
Only pain and sorrow came this way

I don't have a song for you
I don't even know my name
All I hear are minor chords
All I feel is somber tunes
But I --

I refuse to sing the blues

I refuse to write another song about the troubles of my day
I refuse to vent, so maybe I'll just scat my blues away
It'll give me the words to say...

I refuse to be angry
I will turn my day around
I will sing until my withered soul arises from the ground

Not inspired. I'm just tired.

And I don't have a song for you
But I found a song me
And it's come to set me free

I refuse to sing the blues

Love Poem #2

You make me wanna write poetry--

A love song...
Or jazz...
Your gaze is like bent harmonies  Making my fingers have Seizures on the keys
my voices contorts into beautifully distorted melodies

I'm Not Responsible For Your Insecurities

I was in a "Bible study" of sorts today, and the leader was describing a situation in which a person was accusing her of speaking too much about being a same-gender loving pastor. She said she was taken aback at first and took careful consideration of the comment. After interrogating this analysis of her "over-sharing," she decided that the person's feelings and assessment of her wasn't her problem. She was not responsible for the other person's insecurities regarding her sexuality, faith and position, and their insecurities regarding the way she chooses to share that information.I started thinking a lot about my life over the past 2 years--saying "yes" to seminary, then saying "yes" to preaching, and finally saying"yes" to my call to be a pastor. I've dealt with a lot of folk's insecurities throughout this process of leaning into my God-assignment and stepping more deeply and firmly into myself. I tiptoed around th…

Embrace Your Evolution

Today, I learned that God's plans for us aren't final--that sometimes life/humans get in the way, and even God has to start all over again with the planning.
We may hear God speaking to us about something very specific that God has planned for us and years later, be questioning whether what was spoken was really God or some made up voice in our heads. Usually, we're interrogating that when we feel betrayed by what we thought was a God-plan that didn't come to fruition, or when we feel that God has been silent for too long and the plan hasn't manifested the way we thought it should've. We start to think we've misunderstood God.
But perhaps, God is rearranging some things--that God is adjusting God's plan for our lives so that it can stay true to the ways in which we've evolved since the plan was spoken. Perhaps, God is staying true to the ways people and the universe have evolved. Perhaps, the original plan no longer fits.
This was a most freeing r…

Summer Sundays

I'm realizing that I need to have plans of some kind on Sundays, even if it means reserving that day for ordering in so I don't have to cook. Just something to get excited about after church, like a special dessert or a good (non-academic) book. I love ministry (well...sort of, lol). I like church. I like serving. I like teaching. Ministry, however, needs to be accompanied by some sort of fellowship or exciting treat or it's like you're giving and giving without being refilled.Today, I binge-watched ER again. The adrenaline of that show helps wear me out, which helps kick my insomnia. Also, watching TV after church instead of napping keeps me from being up at all hours of the night. I digress, I look forward to summer Sundays and filling my post-church schedule with meaningful activities.

Forcing Rest

I am Radiant and Unfading

Yesterday, two people told me that I looked "radiant." I couldn't help but think about the scripture that I preached from in November: Wisdom 6:12-16
One of the lines says that Wisdom is "radiant and unfading."

When reading this text through the lens of my life experience, I immediately sought comfort in wisdom--in myself--in identifying myself as her. We are all wisdom.

The black woman’s wisdom runs deep
Deeply Buried in the bloody soil of this nation—
from pushing white babies through Central Park in expensive strollers
to writing dissertations that the academy don’t wanna publish.
From knowing just how much baking powder goes in the cake without measuring
to braiding your daughter’s hair with your eyes closed,
This Wisdom—this black woman’s wisdom runs deep.
It is ingrained in the fabric of the nation.
She is radiant and unfading—the text says--
Another translation says that “she is brilliant, she never fades.”

Today, I feel brilliant! 

Today, I was awarded …