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Showing posts from March, 2018

When Sunday Comes

When Sunday comes,
my trouble gone
As soon as it gets here,
I'll have a new song
When Sunday comesI won't have to cry no more
Jesus will soothe my troubled mind
All of my heartaches will be left behind;
When Sunday comes
      -Daryl Coley, Donald Lawrence & The Tri-City Singers
---
I stand in anticipation of Sunday--
Not Sunday as in Easter Sunday or any Sunday,
But for the moment when my tears dry up--
When my new song arrives--
When my heart stops palpitating--
When my breathing stabilizes--
When my anxiety disappears.I am expectant of Sunday morn--
When I can finally have a fraction of the things I dreamed about...
Just a fraction.Sunday--
When I can be resurrected
And my happiness not be dependent on
external forces.Sunday.
I'm awaiting my Sunday.

29 is Coming! -- Goals!

1. Date myself twice a month
2. Travel abroad once a year
3. Travel domestically once a year
4. Pay off my credit card debt
5. Start taking dance classes again
6. Buy each of my friend 1 "just because" gift
7. Decrease my drinking/drinking budget
8. Tell myself I'm effing gorgeous and courageous every morning before I leave the house
9. Cook more
10. Buy a car
11. Relocate
12. Secure a full-time job in ministry
13. Save $4/day
14. Explore more shade of lipstick
15. Take 24-hours of silence bi-weekly
16. Produce worship content
17. Read individual chapters in books
18. Rebuild my Sunday routine
19. Go to Queen for good food
20. Be more patient with my mom
21. Let my hair grow out
22. Throw out clothes with holes and stains
23. Give away uncomfortable shoes
24. Get a real bed
25. Bless the things I hate about myself
26.  Open an online savings account (that I can't touch)
27. Get life insurance
28. Get renter's insurance
29. Live my best life!


Countdown to 29 -- Part 7 (The Finale)

I'm cultivating a new kind of joy as I countdown to 29 and I'm in major reflection mode. For my 29th year, I'm creating a new bucket list of the 29 things I'd like to accomplish in the 365 days before my 30th birthday. These are the last few tasks on the bucket list! I look forward to starting year 29 in just a few days. [Read #1-4] [Read #5-8] [Read #9-12] [Read #13-16] [Read #17-20] [Read #21-24]

25. Bless the things I hate about myself -- My boss once told me that one of her supervisors told her to "bless the things she dislikes about herself." I didn't truly understand this until a few days ago. I was getting incredibly frustrated with my inability to "rebound"--to bounce back from heartbreak, rejection, and disappointment. Everybody else seems to move much more quickly through their personal trials than I do, and I'm frustrated. Why do I care so much about others to the point where I neglect myself? Why do I have trouble letting go? Wha…

It's My Preacher-versary

I preached my first public sermon on March 29, 2017. It was a total accident...at least that's what it felt like, but I'm sure God would argue otherwise. [Read more about that experience and the after-effects here]
I was really emotional all day today. It's partially because I'm having an issue of blood πŸ˜‘, partially because I'm lonely, partially because it's Holy Week and I'm working a lot, partially because I'm approaching my 29th birthday, but mostly because today marks one year since I did this totally amazing and unexpected thing in James Chapel at Union Theological Seminary in New York City. Since then, I've preached 10 times. I've experimented with this thing and explored my voice in more ways than I could've ever imagined. I've realized how much my acting training and career have helped me step into this thing and I've embraced the bittersweet loneliness that comes along with this thing (or at least I'm trying to).
I sat…

Countdown to 29 -- Part 6

I'm cultivating a new kind of joy as I countdown to 29 and I'm in major reflection mode. For my 29th year, I'm creating a new bucket list of the 29 things I'd like to accomplish in the 365 days before my 30th birthday. I'll be listing 4 a day for the next week. [Read #1-4] [Read #5-8] [Read #9-12] [Read #13-16] [Read #17-20]
Indulge me, if you will:

21. Let my hair grow out -- Those who know me know that I haven't gone a year without cutting my hair since 2015. I just get scissor-happy every couple of months, but this year of life, I'm going to let it grow as I grow. I'm going to let it live as I live. Pray for me. lol

22. Throw out clothes with holes and stains -- listen, I hate shopping for clothes. I have so many tights, leggings, shirts, and jackets with small (and not so small) holes in them. Basically, I'm holy...lol I gotta do better. I'm bout to be 30. I can invest in some new leggings/jeggings. I can part with that favorite shirt that …

Countdown to 29 -- Part 5

I'm cultivating a new kind of joy as I countdown to 29 and I'm in major reflection mode. For my 29th year, I'm creating a new bucket list of the 29 things I'd like to accomplish in the 365 days before my 30th birthday. I'll be listing 4 a day for the next week. [Read #1-4] [Read #5-8] [Read #9-12] [Read #13-16]
Indulge me, if you will:
17. Read individual chapters in books: so instead of trying to read every book that sounds interesting, I'm going to find a chapter or two that really peaks my interests to see if the book is something I'd want to read in it's entirety. And, not every book needs to be read in it's entirety for a chapter to make sense. I'm especially putting this into practice as I prepare for my thesis.
18. Rebuild my Sunday routine -- ever since I quit singing at my home church and working at my "work church," I haven't developed a Sunday routine that feels comfortable. Prior to this season of my life, I used to sp…

I Am NOT Your First Lady! ------- On Womanhood and Ministry

It amazes me how disrespectful people can be, particularly peers and colleagues--people who you'd expect to be smarter or more sophisticated than they actually are (this is why we don't make assumptionsπŸ˜’). Many of them are aloof and would never think to interrogate the issue at hand, which is disappointing. For any woman out here who has ever dated/married a preacher, pastor, minister, minister in training, a deacon who wants to be a preacher, you have surely heard these words on Sunday morning or Wednesday afternoon or Thursday evening in the quad of your Seminary/Divinity school where you are studying to get your Master of Divinity degree: "Hey, First Lady!"

Yeah, you've heard it--either spoken to you or to someone in your presence. You might've even spoken these words to a woman you know who may or may not be a "First Lady"--who may or may not have interest in being or becoming a "First Lady"...who may actually be offended by such a l…

Countdown to 29 -- Part 4

As you know, I'm cultivating a new kind of joy as I countdown to 29 and I'm in major reflection mode. For my 29th year, I'm creating a new bucket list of t tohe 29 things I'd like to accomplish in the 365 days before my 30th birthday. I'll be listing 4 a day for the next week. [Read #1-4] [Read #5-8] [Read #9-12]

Indulge me:
13. Save $4/day -- saving money has to start small. Because I left my full-time job to focus on seminary and my ministerial internships, I haven't had much money to save. In fact, I feel as if I've been financially under since last June when my savings dried up. I can't put away much right now, but $4/day can be negotiated. No more spontaneous midday coffees. No empty snacks that leave me hungry. I can make those sacrifices.
14. Explore more shades of lipstick -- okay, this seems trivial but I LOVE my lips and you should too...love my lips, that is. Lol I'm pretty basic when it comes to lip color -- deep reds, an occasional rich pi…

Countdown to 29 -- Part 3

I'm cultivating a new kind of joy as I countdown to 29 and I'm in major reflection mode. For my 29th year, I'm creating a new bucket list of the 29 things I'd like to accomplish in the 365 days before my 30th birthday. I'll be listing 4 a day for the next week. [Read #1-4] [Read #5-8]
Indulge me:
9.  Cook more -- yes, I know I said I wanted to take myself out on solo dates twice a month, but I also want to experiment in the kitchen more, not only to save money but to exercise my creativity in a different way. My stater goal is 2 homecooked meals a week (with leftovers, hopefully).
10. Buy a car -- I've been falling out of love with NYC over the past year. This is due to a bunch of factors. Let's just say, living in NYC is a constant fight that I don't want to do alone anymore. Having a car will facilitate my eventual relocation (even if it's to Westchester or Jersey).
11. Relocate -- this is loaded. I'm not sure where my career will lead me, bu…

Countdown to 29 -- Part 2

I'm cultivating a new kind of joy as I countdown to 29 and I'm in major reflection mode. For my 29th year, I'm creating a new bucket list of the 29 things I'd like to accomplish in the 365 days before my 30th birthday. I'll be listing 4 a day for the next week.  [Read #1-4 here]
Indulge me, if you will:
5. Start taking dance classes again -- I have a BFA in Musical Theatre and I used to take 10 dance classes a week (ballet, tap, jazz, etc) in college. I was also in a dance company. But life happens. You get older. You do fewer shows than you used to. You fall out of it--your passion. I want to redirect some of my funds to at least 2 dance classes a month. I'll start with that goal and go from there.
6. Buy each of my friends 1 "just because" gift -- a token of appreciation that has nothing to do with their birthday or a holiday. Sometimes, it's great to surprise the people you love (and who love you) just because.
7. Decrease my drinking/drinking…

Countdown to 29 -- Part 1

On vacation and I'm cultivating a new kind of joy. I turn 29 in 12 days and I'm in major reflection mode. What have I learned these past 29 years? How am I going to press forward as I prepare for a new decade of life? What are my true dreams and goals? How can I learn to live my best life again? How can I be made whole?
2018 has been trecherous--I mean, the absolute worst year...and we're only 81 days in! Whew! But I still have 284 days left to turn this boat around. For my 29th year, I'm creating a new bucket list of the 29 things I'd like to accomplish in the 365 days before my 30th birthday. I'll be listing 4 a day for the next week.
Indulge me, if you will:
1. Date myself twice a month--I'm talking full on dinner and a movie or a solo day trip to a winery...something a lil more sophisticated than ordering seamless as I sit naked on my couch 😏 (but that's so much fun πŸ™ƒ !)
2. Travel Abroad -- I haven't been outta the country in over a year. My p…

Viaggio Solenne

Viaggio Solenne
Solemn Journey

A Reflective Poem



I walked across a turf of green

And halted where I’d be unseen

To snatch a look one final time

Of all I was to leave behind



The beckoning of a blackbird heard

Ironic doves of white appeared

I swiftly summoned my untamed herd

My spirit pained, eternally seared



Took one last look, or so I thought

At fields of roses budding by

At nectar craving bees and birds

At obese clouds across the sky



Took one last gasp, so I assumed

Of Spanish oaks and olive trees

Of planted fields of fresh grown corn

Of sweetly sour strawberries



The light was fading quickly out

I felt a sense of urgency

I moved toward the darkened clout

I walked yet with insurgency



Yet, then I stopped and moved away

The coming of another day

As gleam pierced through the gloom and shade

I stared at death one final time,

Yet, chose the path that life had made.



(c) Mia Michelle McClain

Love Poem #1

Love Poem #1
I look into your eyes with wonder joy and fear rush in overwhelming me like rambunctious waves
drowning feels resplendently cathartic
uncertainty grounds me I wash upon the shore and fight to find the ocean
If to drown is to die I’d drown in your eyes a thousand times As long as I can die in truth And somehow find courage to say…

"I Love You"


The Conversation Project: On Death & Dying

While I was listening to the presentation about The Conversation Project, I started thinking about all the mistakes I’ve made in trying to have “the conversation” with my mother. As an only child of a single, aging woman, I'm well aware that I'm her next of kin and I’m afraid I’d be completely clueless if something tragic were to happen to her tomorrow. In the presentation, something came up about entering “the conversation” by talking about your wishes first. I totally did that wrong last December, but all is not lost. I know that her mausoleum plot is paid for. I remember her talking about that back when I was in middle school, primarily because she was a single parent (and an older parent) and didn’t want me to be scrambling for burial arrangements in the event of an untimely death (is death ever timely?). However, we haven’t recently discussed where that information lives. 
Nonetheless, I decided to walk through some of the questions in the Conversation Project’s starter …

Letting Love Go

I'd always heard that "if you love someone, you have to let them go." I didn't know everything about what that meant until recently. It sounds so simple--until you're clutching your chest at 2am, lost somewhere between a heartattack and freedom.
It's always been easy letting people go...or shall I say easier. I didn't love them. The love didn't run deep. My hopes and dreams weren't tangled up in them. I didn't care of they were happy after I let them go. I didn't care if they'd ever be satisfied. But when love is involved, it's hard to not care. It's hard to not wonder what they are doing with the Sunday evenings you used to share together. Letting love go is miserable.

I'm slowly beginning to embrace the freedom that I have been involuntarily granted. But would I rather love than be free? Today, I would. Maybe tomorrow, I'll feel differently. And the next day, I'll go back to favoring love. Who knows? I don'…

Social Media is Shrinking Our Minds

So,
I posted a click-bait blog on Instagram and Facebook today--Having A Baby, Pt. 2.The blog wasn't meant to mislead; however, I was curious to see how many people would congratulate me on my non-existent pregnancy before actually clicking the link and reading the post. I'm currently on a social media fast, so my friend T is posting for me when I feel like my blog could help somebody. I knew that the post had gone up because people we're blowing up my phone 🀣🀣🀣! It was comical, but it also proved my theory about social media and our quickness to run with information that is incorrect because of our unwillingness to dig deeper...or to click the link and read a few paragraphs (it really doesn't take that long....it's not like I had written a dissertation πŸ™„). I had T go back to the post and add #NotPregnant in the caption so that the "congratulations" comments would slow down. It's amazing how you can lose an audience if you're asking them to ta…

Sable

God of ages past
Of the robust present
And of unknown and uncertain futuresWe come before you with gratitude
For getting us through the week,
Sanely,
And providing opportunity for
The experience of joy.I know I should be dead in my grave--
Or cutting my wrists--
Or planning my departure from this world--
But I'm still here,
In the land of the living,
Sipping bourbon and giving thanks.Life throws us unexpected curve balls sometimes,
But we are still here to tell the story.
We are still here to let somebody know that
though weeping may endure for a night--
And it will endure--
Joy comes.She comes, riding in on a great black horse.
Joy--Sable is what I call her--
Sable comes riding in and
We are reminded that there is so much more to life than our weeping.
There is so much more to life than our depression.
There is so much more to life than our despair.Sable.
Sable comes.
Joy comes.
And she rides into our lives with gusto.I'm grateful for her.
May she carry me through this uncer…

Loneliness

I wish more people could admit publicly that they are lonely. Today, I'm talking about loneliness, imperfection, and vulnerability on the vLog. Tune in!

A Weary Black Woman/Could the Black Man Be Sane?

I'm sitting across from a black woman on the train who looks tired. She is tired. She has fallen asleep with many bags in her hand. A bag lady. Beside her are two you gentlemen who could be her sons--one 4, maybe, and one teenaged. They seem carefree. Joyful. Perhaps, a little tired but awake enough to smack each other around, playfully, as they make the trek from Brooklyn to Manhattan. I can't imagine that the woman is over 35, but she looks tired and weariness has aged her.As I watched her, I reflected on my own weariness--how it's aged me. I wonder if it shows on my face--if it showed on my face...if people saw that I was weary while my ex-partner, my brothers, my male cousins played around as the wrinkles grew into my otherwise plump and creamy skin. I wondered if my father was ever as weary as my mother. I wondered if my grandfather helped my grandmother carry the bags that weighed her down and wore her out.A black man walks into the subway car, entering from another …

A Broken Heart Still Beats

No matter what you're going through,
you ought to thank God that blood stills flows through your arteries, no matter how clogged they are.
A Broken Heart Still Beats, and though you may be bruised,  wounded, scarred, scabbed, bloody, the fact that the blood is still dripping, messing up your clothing, staining your carpet, soiling your sheets, is a sign that you are still alive!
Somebody ought to be grateful that your last drop of blood wasn't your last drop of blood. You are still alive.
I know you feel lonely. I know you feel abandoned. I know you feel betrayed. I know you feel angry. I know you feel sad. I know you feel... but you feel. You feel...and Your feeling is a sign that you are still alive!
A Broken Heart Still Beats.
I'm grateful for the blood pumping through my veins. It lets me know that there's work to do. It lets me know that the Universe needs me-- that I'm not done-- that it is not finished-- that the cross is not the end of my story.
Your Sunday …

Speaking Joy

I'm speaking joy into the atmosphere from now on--That's not to say
That the tears don't come,
That the grief doesn't rear its head,
That I don't miss elements of my past,But I'm speaking joy--
And life
And wealth
And love
And passion
And peace
And hope
Into my life, into your life, into the universe,
Nonetheless.Songs have been dropping into my spirit lately--songs of encouragement and of optimism. I thank the ancestors. I know that I am surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses, and that the prayers of the righteous on earth availeth much. I'm heading to the studio in a few weeks but I'm playing around with a little diddy that speaks life into the lifeless, hope into the hopeless:Your breaks and your bruises
Are not the end of your story.
Not the end of your story.Your cross and your crisis
Are not the end of your story
Not the end of your storyI'm claiming victoryI don't know how the lyrics will end up working their way around a melody this so…

Evolving Ecosystems: When the Foundation Cracks

What happens when your ecosystem--your foundation/your support system--changes unexpectedly?


When Praises Go Up: Worshipping Through A Storm

You ain't led worship or preached until you had to do so in a storm, OKAY?!

I've been in a storm since December 31st, but the eye of the hurricane just came over me this week. When I tell you that people will kick you when you're down, believe me! Even the people you love--who you loved...who you thought loved you--will sucker punch you when your nose is already bloody and your eyes are already black.
Moments before I was to introduce the Reverend Dr. Renita Weems at the opening event of a women of color in ministry conference, I get a text from someone that said "Get the F*** out [of their life]." It was violently uncalled for. I'm strong but I'm sensitive. I'm an empath and although it wasn't a literal punch in the chest, it felt like someone had just knocked the last breath out of me. I'm not a violent person. I've never been violent. I don't like confrontation. I don't argue much with friends or partners. I have a low threshol…

The Prayers of the Righteous

Yesterday, I cracked.The coffee mug that is my soul chipped.
The foundation that I thought was cement
Became quicksand
As I hung on to my sanity by a thread.Yesterday, I asked for help.
I reached out to my sister in ministry,
To my therapist,
To one of my best friends--
To help guide me through this storm.
I've been steering this boat and I felt that
I was getting weak,
I asked for help.It was strangely fulfilling.
I'm exhausted right now,
And soon, I'll write more,
But the prayers of the righteous availeth much.I feel your prayers.
Thank you for all who have stood with me,
Are standing with me,
And will continue to comfort and pray with me.

Prayers for the People (And Ourselves)

1.  Today, I pray for patience, God- Patience with my trust in you  and in myself- A deeper trust that has no timeline or expiration date- A trust that represents the efficacy of my prayer and my praise- A trust that gives peace.
2. Today, I pray for perseverance- For strength in the midst of the struggle- For consistency whilst making important life improvements- For endurance and good will during the process- For the rendering of renewal.
3. Today, I pray for perseverance- For strength in the midst of the struggle- For consistency whilst making important life improvements- For endurance and good will during the process- For the rendering of renewal.
4. Today I pray for stamina and strength    as I run towards my fears.
5. I pray for self-control as I embark on this journey of refinement-- Refining my body, my dreams, my goals, and my relationships. I pray that I clear up space in my channels so that I can communicate with you better-- So that I can communion with myself and pour po…

Midnight Blue

To: The Love of My Life
You give me midnight blue 
I wish that I was next to you

The flicker of your lashes

On my skin makes me anew

And I dissolve into the almond

Shape of eyes that pierce my soul

And I feel whole

A way I've never felt before

You open doors

And maybe that's what eyes are for...

Library

Today
I cried in the library
Everytime I think I'm okay
Someone says something
That triggers this
Emotional volcano
Waiting to explode inside of meI'm grateful for the refuge
For the hideaway
For the moment of rest
For the minutes I was able to
Collect myself
And wipe my tears
Without anyone knowing

Depression is Exhausting

Y'all.The wrestling is exhausting.Pretending that you're okay when, in fact, everything around you is crumbling is exhausting.Painting a smile on top of the pain is exhausting.Losing sleep over things you can't do anything about is exhausting.Depression is exhausting.I often get to the 18th hour of the day and I feel so tired. I silently interrogate my wearyness:  "What have I even done today to make me so tired?" I often feel as if my exhaustion is unwarranted--as if I don't deserve to claim such an adjective. I beat myself up over it--surely there is somebody out there who has earned this descriptor more than I have.This wilderness that I'm struggling in is exhausting. Today's therapy session was exhausting. Healing is hard work. Being honest with yourself is hard work. My brain hurts, my heart aches, my hips sting with pain. It's like a cancer moving through my body. The laughing hurts as much as the crying. The light behind my eyes is being po…

Hell Hole

I am overwhelmed by life in New York City.I had a feeling I'd get here some day--disgruntled and disenchanted. Every little thing urks me.I came home and my toilet isn't working. Can't get my building's plumber to come until Monday. In another city, I would be living in a house with more than one bathroom, so that when one toilet is stopped up, I'd have another toilet to use. Its the little things that make a difference...like a home with more than one bathroom so I won't have to relieve myself in a toilet that won't flush or stay with a friend until it's fixed.Then, I've been having issues with mail delivery--and because I live in a building with no doorman, occasionally, my packages go missing. I'm in a bitter fight with USPS and the company that mailed some clothes I purchased because neither one of them wants to take responsibility for this missing package. Furthermore, the mail person has been leaving my packages with random people in the b…

Shattered glass

Have you ever broken a glass? A glass plate or perhaps a wine glass?
And did it shatter into a million pieces all over the kitchen floor?
Yea--lately, my life has been feeling like that often--like my heart has shattered into a million tiny pieces. Or that something in my life, rather, has shattered into a billion pieces. 
The thing about broken glass, though, is that you rarely find all the pieces. Like, you don't even know there are more pieces until one day, you step on something that was already shattered and it cracks some more, and you're like, "damn! I must've missed that piece in the cleanup process." Or maybe, you didn't clean up very well to begin with.
I feel that way about certain things in my life--i didn't clean up properly, and now I'm stepping on fragments of glass, re-inflicting pain...not healing.
There are fragments cutting up all parts of my feet up, slicing through hardened, thick skin that's needs to be pedicured...to be c…

I Don't Know

I'm in a season of my life where I don't know what's happening. More importantly, however, I'm in a season where I'm okay with admitting that I don't know. I simply don't know all the ins and outs of what's going on in my life. I don't know the outcomes. I don't know if there will be a pot of gold and a rainbow. I don't know if I'll ever be content with where I am. I don't know if I'll stay in NYC. I don't know if he loves me. I don't know if she is really in my corner or not. I don't know if my body will be able to produce children. I don't know if my body will even let me live another year. I don't know if I said the wrong thing to them. I don't know if I offended her. I don't know if I'm making the right decisions regarding my career.The one thing I do know is that I don't know. And that's enough for me right now. I don't know and I'm moving forward anyway. Maybe that's the v…

Real Friends

I don't know how anyone gets through life without friends. I've known Brandon for almost 13 years!!!!!!! I can't even imagine living life in NYC without him. Well, today is his birthday--his 29th--and I am celebrating with him because he deserves it!
When the lame man was struggling in Luke 5:18, he is carried to Jesus by his friends. His friends see his need and bring him to Jesus for healing. I'm so grateful for people like Brandon in my life, who carry me to Jesus--when I'm weary, when I'm broken, when I'm down on my knees, sinking to rise no more--they carry me to Jesus...to safety...to deliverance. Happy bday Bran! You're a hero! I pray many blessings on your life in this new year!!!

Fatigue

It creeps in like a sneaky cat
And crawls up your bones
Overwhelming every inch
Of your being Fatigue is a strange thing. I often feel as if I don't deserve to be tired--as if I haven't worked hard enough to warrant such exhaustion. Even when I get 8 hours of sleep, my mind is fatigued, my heart is fatigued, and my soul?--My soul is dragging along most days, like a reluctant dog who fears bath time.I feel the exhaustion in the deepest crevices of my soul, and I'm trying to learn how to rest. I'm trying to figure out how to hold myself accountable for resting. And what is rest? What does it taste like? What texture of rest do I need in order to rid myself of this fatigue? I digress...not because I'm out words, but because I'm out of energy.