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Showing posts from March, 2018


God of ages past
Of the robust present
And of unknown and uncertain futuresWe come before you with gratitude
For getting us through the week,
And providing opportunity for
The experience of joy.I know I should be dead in my grave--
Or cutting my wrists--
Or planning my departure from this world--
But I'm still here,
In the land of the living,
Sipping bourbon and giving thanks.Life throws us unexpected curve balls sometimes,
But we are still here to tell the story.
We are still here to let somebody know that
though weeping may endure for a night--
And it will endure--
Joy comes.She comes, riding in on a great black horse.
Joy--Sable is what I call her--
Sable comes riding in and
We are reminded that there is so much more to life than our weeping.
There is so much more to life than our depression.
There is so much more to life than our despair.Sable.
Sable comes.
Joy comes.
And she rides into our lives with gusto.I'm grateful for her.
May she carry me through this uncer…


I wish more people could admit publicly that they are lonely. Today, I'm talking about loneliness, imperfection, and vulnerability on the vLog. Tune in!

A Weary Black Woman/Could the Black Man Be Sane?

I'm sitting across from a black woman on the train who looks tired. She is tired. She has fallen asleep with many bags in her hand. A bag lady. Beside her are two you gentlemen who could be her sons--one 4, maybe, and one teenaged. They seem carefree. Joyful. Perhaps, a little tired but awake enough to smack each other around, playfully, as they make the trek from Brooklyn to Manhattan. I can't imagine that the woman is over 35, but she looks tired and weariness has aged her.As I watched her, I reflected on my own weariness--how it's aged me. I wonder if it shows on my face--if it showed on my face...if people saw that I was weary while my ex-partner, my brothers, my male cousins played around as the wrinkles grew into my otherwise plump and creamy skin. I wondered if my father was ever as weary as my mother. I wondered if my grandfather helped my grandmother carry the bags that weighed her down and wore her out.A black man walks into the subway car, entering from another …

A Broken Heart Still Beats

No matter what you're going through,
you ought to thank God that blood stills flows through your arteries, no matter how clogged they are.
A Broken Heart Still Beats, and though you may be bruised,  wounded, scarred, scabbed, bloody, the fact that the blood is still dripping, messing up your clothing, staining your carpet, soiling your sheets, is a sign that you are still alive!
Somebody ought to be grateful that your last drop of blood wasn't your last drop of blood. You are still alive.
I know you feel lonely. I know you feel abandoned. I know you feel betrayed. I know you feel angry. I know you feel sad. I know you feel... but you feel. You feel...and Your feeling is a sign that you are still alive!
A Broken Heart Still Beats.
I'm grateful for the blood pumping through my veins. It lets me know that there's work to do. It lets me know that the Universe needs me-- that I'm not done-- that it is not finished-- that the cross is not the end of my story.
Your Sunday …

Speaking Joy

I'm speaking joy into the atmosphere from now on--That's not to say
That the tears don't come,
That the grief doesn't rear its head,
That I don't miss elements of my past,But I'm speaking joy--
And life
And wealth
And love
And passion
And peace
And hope
Into my life, into your life, into the universe,
Nonetheless.Songs have been dropping into my spirit lately--songs of encouragement and of optimism. I thank the ancestors. I know that I am surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses, and that the prayers of the righteous on earth availeth much. I'm heading to the studio in a few weeks but I'm playing around with a little diddy that speaks life into the lifeless, hope into the hopeless:Your breaks and your bruises
Are not the end of your story.
Not the end of your story.Your cross and your crisis
Are not the end of your story
Not the end of your storyI'm claiming victoryI don't know how the lyrics will end up working their way around a melody this so…

Evolving Ecosystems: When the Foundation Cracks

What happens when your ecosystem--your foundation/your support system--changes unexpectedly?

When Praises Go Up: Worshipping Through A Storm

You ain't led worship or preached until you had to do so in a storm, OKAY?!

I've been in a storm since December 31st, but the eye of the hurricane just came over me this week. When I tell you that people will kick you when you're down, believe me! Even the people you love--who you loved...who you thought loved you--will sucker punch you when your nose is already bloody and your eyes are already black.
Moments before I was to introduce the Reverend Dr. Renita Weems at the opening event of a women of color in ministry conference, I get a text from someone that said "Get the F*** out [of their life]." It was violently uncalled for. I'm strong but I'm sensitive. I'm an empath and although it wasn't a literal punch in the chest, it felt like someone had just knocked the last breath out of me. I'm not a violent person. I've never been violent. I don't like confrontation. I don't argue much with friends or partners. I have a low threshol…

The Prayers of the Righteous

Yesterday, I cracked.The coffee mug that is my soul chipped.
The foundation that I thought was cement
Became quicksand
As I hung on to my sanity by a thread.Yesterday, I asked for help.
I reached out to my sister in ministry,
To my therapist,
To one of my best friends--
To help guide me through this storm.
I've been steering this boat and I felt that
I was getting weak,
I asked for help.It was strangely fulfilling.
I'm exhausted right now,
And soon, I'll write more,
But the prayers of the righteous availeth much.I feel your prayers.
Thank you for all who have stood with me,
Are standing with me,
And will continue to comfort and pray with me.

Prayers for the People (And Ourselves)

1.  Today, I pray for patience, God- Patience with my trust in you  and in myself- A deeper trust that has no timeline or expiration date- A trust that represents the efficacy of my prayer and my praise- A trust that gives peace.
2. Today, I pray for perseverance- For strength in the midst of the struggle- For consistency whilst making important life improvements- For endurance and good will during the process- For the rendering of renewal.
3. Today, I pray for perseverance- For strength in the midst of the struggle- For consistency whilst making important life improvements- For endurance and good will during the process- For the rendering of renewal.
4. Today I pray for stamina and strength    as I run towards my fears.
5. I pray for self-control as I embark on this journey of refinement-- Refining my body, my dreams, my goals, and my relationships. I pray that I clear up space in my channels so that I can communicate with you better-- So that I can communion with myself and pour po…

Midnight Blue

To: The Love of My Life
You give me midnight blue 
I wish that I was next to you

The flicker of your lashes

On my skin makes me anew

And I dissolve into the almond

Shape of eyes that pierce my soul

And I feel whole

A way I've never felt before

You open doors

And maybe that's what eyes are for...


I cried in the library
Everytime I think I'm okay
Someone says something
That triggers this
Emotional volcano
Waiting to explode inside of meI'm grateful for the refuge
For the hideaway
For the moment of rest
For the minutes I was able to
Collect myself
And wipe my tears
Without anyone knowing

Depression is Exhausting

Y'all.The wrestling is exhausting.Pretending that you're okay when, in fact, everything around you is crumbling is exhausting.Painting a smile on top of the pain is exhausting.Losing sleep over things you can't do anything about is exhausting.Depression is exhausting.I often get to the 18th hour of the day and I feel so tired. I silently interrogate my wearyness:  "What have I even done today to make me so tired?" I often feel as if my exhaustion is unwarranted--as if I don't deserve to claim such an adjective. I beat myself up over it--surely there is somebody out there who has earned this descriptor more than I have.This wilderness that I'm struggling in is exhausting. Today's therapy session was exhausting. Healing is hard work. Being honest with yourself is hard work. My brain hurts, my heart aches, my hips sting with pain. It's like a cancer moving through my body. The laughing hurts as much as the crying. The light behind my eyes is being po…

Hell Hole

I am overwhelmed by life in New York City.I had a feeling I'd get here some day--disgruntled and disenchanted. Every little thing urks me.I came home and my toilet isn't working. Can't get my building's plumber to come until Monday. In another city, I would be living in a house with more than one bathroom, so that when one toilet is stopped up, I'd have another toilet to use. Its the little things that make a a home with more than one bathroom so I won't have to relieve myself in a toilet that won't flush or stay with a friend until it's fixed.Then, I've been having issues with mail delivery--and because I live in a building with no doorman, occasionally, my packages go missing. I'm in a bitter fight with USPS and the company that mailed some clothes I purchased because neither one of them wants to take responsibility for this missing package. Furthermore, the mail person has been leaving my packages with random people in the b…

Shattered glass

Have you ever broken a glass? A glass plate or perhaps a wine glass?
And did it shatter into a million pieces all over the kitchen floor?
Yea--lately, my life has been feeling like that often--like my heart has shattered into a million tiny pieces. Or that something in my life, rather, has shattered into a billion pieces. 
The thing about broken glass, though, is that you rarely find all the pieces. Like, you don't even know there are more pieces until one day, you step on something that was already shattered and it cracks some more, and you're like, "damn! I must've missed that piece in the cleanup process." Or maybe, you didn't clean up very well to begin with.
I feel that way about certain things in my life--i didn't clean up properly, and now I'm stepping on fragments of glass, re-inflicting pain...not healing.
There are fragments cutting up all parts of my feet up, slicing through hardened, thick skin that's needs to be be c…

I Don't Know

I'm in a season of my life where I don't know what's happening. More importantly, however, I'm in a season where I'm okay with admitting that I don't know. I simply don't know all the ins and outs of what's going on in my life. I don't know the outcomes. I don't know if there will be a pot of gold and a rainbow. I don't know if I'll ever be content with where I am. I don't know if I'll stay in NYC. I don't know if he loves me. I don't know if she is really in my corner or not. I don't know if my body will be able to produce children. I don't know if my body will even let me live another year. I don't know if I said the wrong thing to them. I don't know if I offended her. I don't know if I'm making the right decisions regarding my career.The one thing I do know is that I don't know. And that's enough for me right now. I don't know and I'm moving forward anyway. Maybe that's the v…

Real Friends

I don't know how anyone gets through life without friends. I've known Brandon for almost 13 years!!!!!!! I can't even imagine living life in NYC without him. Well, today is his birthday--his 29th--and I am celebrating with him because he deserves it!
When the lame man was struggling in Luke 5:18, he is carried to Jesus by his friends. His friends see his need and bring him to Jesus for healing. I'm so grateful for people like Brandon in my life, who carry me to Jesus--when I'm weary, when I'm broken, when I'm down on my knees, sinking to rise no more--they carry me to deliverance. Happy bday Bran! You're a hero! I pray many blessings on your life in this new year!!!


It creeps in like a sneaky cat
And crawls up your bones
Overwhelming every inch
Of your being Fatigue is a strange thing. I often feel as if I don't deserve to be tired--as if I haven't worked hard enough to warrant such exhaustion. Even when I get 8 hours of sleep, my mind is fatigued, my heart is fatigued, and my soul?--My soul is dragging along most days, like a reluctant dog who fears bath time.I feel the exhaustion in the deepest crevices of my soul, and I'm trying to learn how to rest. I'm trying to figure out how to hold myself accountable for resting. And what is rest? What does it taste like? What texture of rest do I need in order to rid myself of this fatigue? I digress...not because I'm out words, but because I'm out of energy.