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Showing posts from 2018

Love Poem #2

You make me wanna write poetry--

A love song...
Or jazz...
Your gaze is like bent harmonies  Making my fingers have Seizures on the keys
my voices contorts into beautifully distorted melodies

I'm Not Responsible For Your Insecurities

I was in a "Bible study" of sorts today, and the leader was describing a situation in which a person was accusing her of speaking too much about being a same-gender loving pastor. She said she was taken aback at first and took careful consideration of the comment. After interrogating this analysis of her "over-sharing," she decided that the person's feelings and assessment of her wasn't her problem. She was not responsible for the other person's insecurities regarding her sexuality, faith and position, and their insecurities regarding the way she chooses to share that information.I started thinking a lot about my life over the past 2 years--saying "yes" to seminary, then saying "yes" to preaching, and finally saying"yes" to my call to be a pastor. I've dealt with a lot of folk's insecurities throughout this process of leaning into my God-assignment and stepping more deeply and firmly into myself. I tiptoed around th…

Embrace Your Evolution

Today, I learned that God's plans for us aren't final--that sometimes life/humans get in the way, and even God has to start all over again with the planning.
We may hear God speaking to us about something very specific that God has planned for us and years later, be questioning whether what was spoken was really God or some made up voice in our heads. Usually, we're interrogating that when we feel betrayed by what we thought was a God-plan that didn't come to fruition, or when we feel that God has been silent for too long and the plan hasn't manifested the way we thought it should've. We start to think we've misunderstood God.
But perhaps, God is rearranging some things--that God is adjusting God's plan for our lives so that it can stay true to the ways in which we've evolved since the plan was spoken. Perhaps, God is staying true to the ways people and the universe have evolved. Perhaps, the original plan no longer fits.
This was a most freeing r…

Summer Sundays

I'm realizing that I need to have plans of some kind on Sundays, even if it means reserving that day for ordering in so I don't have to cook. Just something to get excited about after church, like a special dessert or a good (non-academic) book. I love ministry (well...sort of, lol). I like church. I like serving. I like teaching. Ministry, however, needs to be accompanied by some sort of fellowship or exciting treat or it's like you're giving and giving without being refilled.Today, I binge-watched ER again. The adrenaline of that show helps wear me out, which helps kick my insomnia. Also, watching TV after church instead of napping keeps me from being up at all hours of the night. I digress, I look forward to summer Sundays and filling my post-church schedule with meaningful activities.

Forcing Rest

I am Radiant and Unfading

Yesterday, two people told me that I looked "radiant." I couldn't help but think about the scripture that I preached from in November: Wisdom 6:12-16
One of the lines says that Wisdom is "radiant and unfading."

When reading this text through the lens of my life experience, I immediately sought comfort in wisdom--in myself--in identifying myself as her. We are all wisdom.

The black woman’s wisdom runs deep
Deeply Buried in the bloody soil of this nation—
from pushing white babies through Central Park in expensive strollers
to writing dissertations that the academy don’t wanna publish.
From knowing just how much baking powder goes in the cake without measuring
to braiding your daughter’s hair with your eyes closed,
This Wisdom—this black woman’s wisdom runs deep.
It is ingrained in the fabric of the nation.
She is radiant and unfading—the text says--
Another translation says that “she is brilliant, she never fades.”

Today, I feel brilliant! 

Today, I was awarded …

Bible Study

I LOVE leading Bible study. I love that I don't have to perform,
that it's dialogical, that no matter how much I prep or plan, I can never FULLY prepare for it because it takes on a life beyond my preparation and that is so darn beautiful.Most of all, I love that I learn too.There articles I wouldn't have read--commentaries I would've skipped over--that I hadn't had the opportunity to teach bible study. Souch of my knowledge about the Bible and doctrine has been garnered through prepping for worship leading (and deciding which songs fit the theology of the space or not) and leading theological and biblical (not the same thing) conversations. I feel like I've learned more by doing than by schooling. Of course, seminary has taught me where to look for certain info and what to look for. I'm excited about the future of my ministry. I don't know what exactly it'll look like but I'm believing God for a mind-blowing experience.

Affirmation

Ever so often, we need a dose of affirmation to remind us that we are on the right path(s).Today, I received several doses of affirmation that confirmed my ministerial journey as well as my artistic pursuits. I'm determined to live every breath of life fully, leaning into the various parts of myself, letting the water of my gifts seep into the crevices of my being, filling me up infinitely.Today was the first day that I was excited about the immediate future. I look forward to the ways God will continue to blow my mind as I press forward with dignity and determination.I know that my shortcomings don't determine my worthiness--that God still sees the value in me, amidst my faults and my faithlessness. I look forward now, more than ever, to saying,"Here I am, God. Send me!"Send me forth to be a vessel of Hope in a world full of hopelessness. Send me forth to be a voice of Change in places of stagnation.Send me forth to be a carrier of Love in loveless corners.Here I am…

Shake Shack

Today, I had a fast food burger for the first time in years! I had a serious craving for Shake Shack or Chick Fil-A. I saw the Shake Shack first as I scurried through Penn Station to get to an appointment.At 12:38am this morning, I submitted my final paper of the semester. I'm having mixed emotions. I already ate my feelings this morning, so that's out of the way. Now, I'm in bed--not hungry, not tired (enough), and trying to figure out how to occupy my mind in a healthy way until it's blown again next week at the start of my chaplaincy internship.Many of us really don't know how to rest. I spent the whole semester praying for this moment--the moment when I could finally rest my brain and my body, my spirit and my soul. Now that it's arrived, I feel strange. My to-do list is blank today. I'm learning to leave it like that when I can. One day, I'll look back on this boredom and wrestlessness and wish I had appreciated it more.

1 Page Away From Freedom

I'm struggling through the last page of my final paper of the semester. It has been a LONG semester, and if you've been following me since I started blogging daily on January 8th, 2018, you know how intense this year has been.

I'm not crying. I'm not complaining. I'm anticipation freedom.

One of the things I hope to accomplish tomorrow is spending stress-free time with God. So much of my brain-space has been clouded by looming deadlines and final projects and my time with God has been muddled. I want to wake up tomorrow and not lament about what's due tomorrow or next week or next month. I look forward to laying in bed and praying, or hopping out of bed to have a praise and worship session that doesn't have to be cut short by a 15-page paper hanging over my head. I look forward to going to a restaurant to celebrate my accomplishments and NOT bringing my laptop or some required book for class, but bring a book to do some leisurely reading or a notebook to j…

Sick-n-Shut In

Whenever I'm sick, I think about how lonely this world is for those who don't have people to care for them. I have wonderful friends who have dropped everything to attend to me when I've been in need. I live away from "family" so that's not an immediate option. Yet, I still feel the loneliness, as a single person with no children.I feel like I need a few kids to order around when I'm sick lol -- to go to the grocery store for me or to heat up a frozen meal so I can stay in bed. That'll be years from now, though. I'd take a strapping gentleman, however. Ha! Until then, I'll take care of myself, as usual.

Down with the Flu

I missed posting yesterday
Because I was tryna be superwoman
And failed!What I thought was a little cold
Turned out to be the flu.
I'm down and out.
But not defeated.

I Can't Be Superwoman Today

I woke up this morning with a sore throat.
I'm about 15 pages from being done with this semester.
It's been a painful journey.
My paper will be late.
I've already made peace with that.
I can't be Superwoman--
Not today.  Not tomorrow. Not yesterday.
Maybe in a few months,  I'll put on my breastplate and reclaim my throne.
I feel silenced. 
I wish I could tell the world what broke me--
Who broke me--
Why I'm struggling to meet deadlines--
Why my body is shutting down.
But I won't, because brokenness won't become me.
Just because I can't be Superwoman today,
doesn't mean I can't be whole tomorrow.
And so, I press on.

Bourbon 4 Ice Cream

I had a doctor's appointment today. Well...it was more than that...but basically, I have to seriously cut down my alcohol intake because my ulcers are at risk for perferating. So tonight, instead of having my daily glass of wine or swig of bourbon, I washed down my stressful day with a half pint of double chocolate Talenti (I don't even like chocolate like that...unless it's a man πŸ˜‹) and a half pint of carribean coconut Talenti (ok ok, I went a lil overboard, but I didn't eat dinner so...it's fine πŸ’πŸ½‍♀️).This will be a strange journey for me. Pray my strength in the Lord. But for real, I'm trading my bourbon for ice cream, at least for now. I'm excited...maybe once school is over and I stop stress eating, I'll wash down my day with a green juice instead. Who knows?

Steady My Stumbling

I stumbled into this ministry thing.I just started walking straight months ago, and with the determination that fueled my steady trod came the perseverance needed to weather an unforeseen storm.It seems as if as soon as I got the confidence to stand tall in my call, a hurricane swept through and destroyed the vegetation that was nurturing me.But I have not starved. I have not gone hungry. I have not gone thirsty. I may only eat once a day, but I eat. I am fed. I am full. My cup runneth over.Surely goodness and mercy have carried me. I need for nothing, despite my wants. So, I say, "here I am, God!" Like the great prophet, "Use me. Send me!" Steady my stumbling and temper my trod. I'm jumping in.

Can You Love Me On A Saturday?

I know you can love me on a Friday--
when I'm dying
and you need to get
one last superlative out
before I slip away.
I know you show your love through grief,
with flowers at my feet,
as you mourn my coming absence
from your life--
as you think about
all the ways I've served you
that will be no longer.
(They say your foes return as friends
when what they thought would kill you
fails.)

I know you can love me on a Sunday--
when I've resurrected,
returning as something
more beautiful than before.
I know you can love me then--
when there is a blessed assurance, a foretaste of glory divine.
But can you love me on a Saturday?
Can you love me in the sunken place?
Can you love me in between  the all-to-familiar crucifixion and the all-to-praised resurrection?
Could you love me when  the flowers at my decomposing feet have died-- when Sunday hasn't come-- when Sunday never comes?
Could you love me then?-- After the fall and before the rise? After the light within has die…

Failing...

I missed posting yesterday...again!I'm trying to be gentle with myself and not fall apart when I feel like I'm failing at life. I spent the day with friends after church, but had to cut the evening short when I started sensing a fever coming on.Take care of yourselves, folks. Life is short. Be kind to your mind. Be sweet to your soul. You deserve to live and live fully--a life full of health and strength.

Full

God always finds a way to fill me up when I'm empty.I've suffered tremendous losses in this season of my life, but somehow, even in the despair, my cup runneth over.I'm full tonight. I spent the evening with wonderful women of color who are on a journey in ministry. There's nothing like being around people who, despite the differences, get you and support you. I'm grateful for the opportunity to share with them and to be empowered by the space that has been provided for us to grow with each other.So full. So nourished. So grateful.#Grateful

Let the World Deal with Itself

I've always been so consumed with my passions--with how to take what I've encountered in this world and use it to create something beautiful that could better this world.But today, I'm exhausted. My body hurts and my brain is about to explode.Sometimes, you gotta get in bed at 7pm and let the world deal with itself. You gotta be gentle with your passions and not let all that youve consumed comsume you.

Grace in the Storm

I was so swamped last night that I forgot to blog. 😧😧😧😧😧

My bad, my few faithful followers.

It's the end of the semester and the sun is out and I'm behind on school work because #life. However, I'm doing well this week. Life is so strange and peculiar and overwhelming all at the same time. I'm learning to gentle with myself--to not be so critical of my shortcomings. I was reviewing a few papers that I received back from professors this week and I was appalled at my writing. It was just...all over the place. I managed to interrogate interesting topics and engage with the course materials, but my theses were misplaced and the quality of my writing is not what it could've been. I started to beat myself up about it--it has truly been a long and hard semester and I was mad at myself for letting the caliber of my work fall. But then I remembered something--

I MADE IT!
I made it!
I actually made it to the end (well, almost...still got 2 long papers left😩)

I was inve…

Black Woman

Black woman
         Black woman
Black woman

Why you gotta be so strong, huh?

What is it about your make up
Your makeup
          Your make up

That makes you care so much
That makes you love so deep
Your black people?

Black woman
          Black woman
Black.

     Black.

           Woman.

Why you gotta go to war, huh?

Why you gotta wave the flag?
What is it about your swag
That speaks power in the midst of defeat?--

That undermines toxic masculinity,
Even when it’s your brother?

With your body
You turn a pew into a pulpit--
A kitchen into a bible study--

Because your call for justice was never selfish.
It was never exclusive.
There is no cognitive dissonance in your
          proclamation of freedom.

     Black Woman
Black Woman

          Woman

               Woman

                    Woman


What is it about the way you
stir that cake batter in the basement
that saves our souls
long before the Black preacher man ever could?

Black Woman

       Black Woman


What is it about the way you li…

There's Still An Ounce of Joy

Tonight 
I fought back tears 
as someone affirmed a joy 
that I didn't even know was inside of me. 

I'm so grateful that, 
amidst the sorrows and the unsettling turbulence of this year, 
an ounce of joy 
was able to ooze from behind 
sometimes forced and painful smiles--
that my joy overcame my sorrows 
and was able to meet someone where they were. 

I remain confident in knowing 
that I have seen and will continue to see 
the goodness of the Lord 
in the land of the living.


A Reflection on Caring for Black Men

I posted a video that I didn't really like upon watching it. I took it down. I plan on writing a much more sustainable reflection on this matter as soon as the semester is over. It has become the core of my thesis research and I'm excited about unpacking the ways in which black women can care for black men and people in a way that is not damaging or deadly.
Thank you for you patience.

I'm hungry

I had this idea that making a crockpot dish affectionately called "Kitchen Sink Chicken" would be symbolic of what it's like to build and sustain community--using all the resources in "the fridge"--all the resources that the community has to offer--to feed and nourish each other. However, as I get deeper into this journey, I'm realizing how naive and superficial that can be at times. As a leader in ministry (clergy or otherwise), this road can be very lonely. You can invest a lot of energy in building a community that you will inevitably be left on the outside of. In my ministerial experiences, we build community with the expectation of always being able to be an integral part of the social life of that community; yet, I'm learning more and more, that as the community grows and the responsibility of being a minister deepens, the ability to participate in the social life of the community that feeds and nourishes diminishes. It's almost as if you'…

I am bold. I am beautiful. I am courageous.

Finding Love after Sexual Assault

Disclaimer: For mature audiences only
I was sexually assaulted on a first date when I was 24. The events of that evening landed me in Harlem Hospital at 2 am with a concussion and a bruise on my forehead (among other things). During the hours in which I took up residence in a private emergency room, I was coached by a nurse on how to proceed--to take legal action immediately or to not take legal action...to complete a rape kit or to not complete a rape kit. It was overwhelming. I also had to take 17 pills, mostly anti-viral meds. It was intense. There was a moment when I looked up to the ceiling and silently bemoaned. "Really God?" I said, as the quick air from a painful chuckle slipped through my lips. I felt like I was in an episode of Law & Order: SVU. I felt defeated. I felt stupid. I felt isolated. And all because I said, "yes." The details of what transpired that evening are not important to this post. What is important, however, is how the lingering trau…

Water Weight

Today was rough. I cried real hard tears. I felt like I shed 10 lbs of water weight--the hurt, the bottled-up pain, the heartache came right off. I mean, it's still there but, I let it drip for the first time in months. I let the waterfall run it's natural course. It hurts but I feel lighter.I keep wanting to make sense of this season of my life. I keep wanting to wake up from this nightmare. I keep wanting to fight the tears and that fighting has inevitably drowned me. This water weight has caused such congestion in my life. Today I got to release that.I'm looking forward to the shedding of more weight this weekend. I don't know how, but I believe God will make a way for my breakthrough.In bed early tonight. Cheers.

Be Encouraged

Encouragement for the final stretch of the semester:Today, I sobbed in Burke Library at Union Theological Seminary.
I'm not ashamed.
I am emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted.
I share because:It's okay to be overwhelmed.
It's okay to breakdown.
It's okay to recognize your burn out.
It's okay to wanna throw your laptop across the library (Not if you broke tho😢)
The release is necessary.Take care of yourselves.
Air hug someone.
Tell them to keep pushing. Be encouraged.

She Is Not Broken

I wish I could tell
every woman who's holding
bottled-up tears
to stop apologizing for her emotions.We are human. And we are whole.
We are woman. And we are not broken
because we cry so heavy
or laugh so loud.We are not broken
because we have emotions--
because we dare to express our
emotions--
Because we've made the choice
to feel.I wish I could tell
every woman who's silencing her wail
and putting makeup on her weariness
to let it out!--
to scream to the top of her lungs
and let the world know that
She is not broken,
like a cracked porcelain doll,
but that she is BOLD!I am not broken,
I'm bold!I am not broken,
I'm bold!I am a not broken!I
Am
Bold!

Let It Go

It's Not Me, It's You

When people continually misinterpret your loving actions for hurtful actions, you have to take a step back, breathe, and realize that you are not speaking the same language, and that it's not all your fault.I recently wished someone well, told them I loved them and that I was praying for them. They told me that I was basically telling them to "f**k off." Huh?
Where'd ya get that from.That's been happening a lot lately. When misinterpretation happens, I always evaluate myself first. But I'm tired of beating myself up over the fact that my spirit-language unnerves you. I will no longer punch myself for being able to be the bigger person, yet having that misconstrued as aggressive behavior or hostile language. At some point, we have to take a deep breath, step back, and say, "it's not me, it's you."

I Will Live

I can't keep letting people kill me.Every wound, every fracture, and every puncture feels like the end.At some point, we have to take responsibility for the ways in which we allow some people to injure us, over and over and over and over again. We deserve better. We deserve more.Tonight, I've decided that amidst the tears and the wailing and the palpitations and the bruising, I WILL LIVE. I will live. I deserve to live.

Am I Your Youth Pastor? ☠️

I'm figuring out what works for me in ministry and what doesn't-- what I'm called to and what I'm not (at the moment). People are so quick to throw the "Under 35" crop of ministers into Children's or Youth ministry. They want us to be Youth Pastors sooooo bad. Let me tell y'all something: Youth ministry is a very specific calling, okay!

You got to know that it's where God is calling you because it's a very specific and intricate line of work. You are caring for the souls of 3-year olds on up. The wide age range is taxing and forces you to embrace a plethora of modes of explicating the theology of whatever place you're working in. It is not for the faint of heart and you will not be in worship service much (at many churches). You'll need to develop a spiritual life outside of Sunday mornings because the work is too demanding for you to actually be able to worship during that time.
I'm at a place on my (short) ministerial career whe…

Ministry Things...

I. I sometimes feel as if I've mistepped--as if I've offended someone or embarrassed myself. I'm constantly working through that as someone new to ministry, but also as someone who has a strong idea of what they desire and the will to stand my ground. II. I try my best to be open to the newness of this divine assignment and all that it comes with; yet, I'm also trying to embrace all the parts of myself that I've laid aside for this calling.III. I'm trying to figure out a way to live all of my dreams. I feel like I'm failing at this. It is painful. IV. I wonder, often, if I'm making the right decisions in my personal life--if I'm being intentional enough about my desires and if I'm honoring my body's visceral reactions to things that bring me joy and things that cause distress. I feel as if I have a grip on this, professional, but am struggling with this on a more intimate level.V. In terms of preaching, I'm trying to embrace this newfoun…

Hey Mama!

Hey mama, πŸ‘ΈπŸΎ
I want to scream so loud for you πŸ—£️
'Cause I'm so proud of you, πŸ€—
Let me tell you what I'm about to do
I know I act a fool, πŸ™„  but
I promise you I'm almost done with school 🀞🏾
I appreciate what you allowed for me,
I just want you to be proud of me 😘

I'm Under...

Drowning. Behind. Under. Help!

When the Lilies Are Gone

Excerpt from  "When the Lilies Are Gone" :: a sermon given by Mia M. McClain at Fort Washington Collegiate Church, NYC, on April 15, 2018. 

It appears that we are all coming down from the Easter high—the exuberance that surrounds celebrating the one on whom many of us center our faith. I know I am. Whew! Holy Week almost took me out. I didn’t recover until last Sunday. LOL


But we’ve come down from the wonderful high of Resurrection Sunday— ·Your seer sucker suits are in the dry cleaners now.  ·You've weaned your children off of peeps and jelly beans and chocolate eggs. ·Many your lilies have survived thus far—maybe not (if you're a poor plant owner,        like me, your lilies are probably on their way out.)
But what happens when the lilies are gone? When the beautiful fabric that once draped this sanctuary has been taken down?  When the warmth of Spring is upon us, and our worship takes a backseat to other activities?
What happens when the lilies are gone? When our siblings…

Love Is Complicated

I was watching a trailer for the new season of Black Love [OWN] and I was reacquainted with the reality that love is complicated. We keep trying to un-complicate it. We keep trying to make it fit into a neat box that is one-size fits all, but that's simply not how it works. I've been thinking a lot about this lately--about how love makes us confront who we are, daily. Love provides us a mirror that shows us everything that is beautiful and ugly about ourselves. Love is hard--loving oneself is hard; thus, loving others adds complexity to that difficulty. 
I want to hold space in this year of life for the complexities of love--for the gut-turning and heart-wrenching unexpectedness of love. I want to be surprised by love--by how it can stretch you and expand the realm of what you thought was possible--emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Even amidst the disappointments that come along with loving others--because humans are imperfect--I want to embrace a grace that can accom…

A Break from the Bruising

Pastor Michael A. Walrond Jr. says, we "need to celebrate the breaks in the bruising."
Everything is not as I'd want it to be in my life right now. The past few months have been physically and emotionally exhausting, and I am just now catching up on mental and physical rest. I spend as much time in bed at home as possible to make up for the rest that was lost in January and February. I am also very mindful of what I choose to spend my energy on. In order for me to take advantage of this break from the bruising of life, I need to allow myself to heal. This means saying my favorite word:
                            "No."
"No, I can't make that meeting."
"No, I can't help out in your midday chapel service." 
"No, I can't stay in this class because there's an energy that's upsetting my spirit." 
"No, I can't come out tonight."
"No...Because I am celebrating the breaks in the bruising!"
In t…

Dreams

I don't know everything 'bout where I'm going
But I know I'll never get there
if I don't start moving
In the direction of my dreams

There may be highs
May be lows
It's uncomfortable
To not really know
But I gotta start moving
In the direction of my dreams
I'll take my seeds and plant a harvest
Become a tree or even a forest
Aim for the sky
And maybe I'll fly
In the direction of my dreams


Grief is Necessary

You ever hear a song that you know but you can't remember how you know it?I've been listening to this Tramaine Hawkins album and a song came on and I don't remember how I know it or when I sang it but it struck something in me. It reminded me of something my Leo would've put in one of his Christmas shows. I've been in my feelings about it and I can't diagnose the origins of those feelings so I'm in a mood of nostalgia as I creep back in time to find when and where I first encountered this song.Grief is strange. I've written about it several times on here. It strikes when you least expect it and calls forth dusty memories that you'd never have dug for on your own. It is a frightening and blessed experience. I'm learning to take it for what it is and to not dwell on the missing links. Grief is necessary.

Walk Away

Sometimes, we choose to put ourselves in spaces where we are of much use to it but it is of no use to us. As spiritual leaders, we often chose where to serve before thinking about how we're being served. We are taught to give without asking for anything in return AND to be joyful about it, for "God loves a cheerful giver."  Sometimes we're so focused on serving--on giving of ourselves so freely "in the name of Jesus"-- that we run the risk of being spiritually depleted. Our wells run dry. Our gas tanks are on E. At the end of service, there's nothing left for us. Our spiritual exhaustion forces rest upon us while others ingenuinely and even rudely inquire about our absence. Self-care is overlooked in sermons about service and we are made to feel guilty for walking away.Today, I was affirmed in my decision to walk away from a toxic space that depleted my spiritual resources so many years ago. I'm grateful for what that space offered me during my tim…

Holding My Breath

Mostly,
I feel as if
I've been holding my breath
For 3 months.Yesterday,
I breathed.
Today,
I breathed again.I'm still alive.
Everything that tried to destroy me
Failed.I'm grateful
that Jesus still breathes on me--
that God still speaks to me--
that grace is sufficient.

On Death: Dealing With "Da Body"

I had a congregant pull me aside at church a few weeks ago to ask me a very urgent question. The senior pastor was out sick, the associate pastor was busy, and I had just preached. This urgent question was about her concerns for those who are cremated.
"In the bible," she said, "it talks about Jesus coming back for us and raising us from the dead to ascend with him to heaven."
"Okay," I replied, bemused and nervous about where this was going.  "But what about those who are cremated? How can Jesus raise them from their graves if they've been cremated."
I wanted to laugh so hard, but I guess I'm a minister...or something. I replied to this concerned congregant with a carefully curated question.
"I don't believe that the author meant for that to be literal. Jesus' return and the raising of the dead from their graves is a metaphorical synopsis." What I wanted to say is, "We will all be ashes to ashes, dust to dust some…

Tired of Proving Their Worthiness

It's exhausting trying to repeatedly convince somebody that they are worthy of your love. Almost as exhausting as it is to try to convince them that you are worthy of theirs. What crossing over into my 29th year has shown me is that I have little patience for people who feel they aren't worthy of my love in their roughest moments. What's the point of life--the point of friendship or relationship--if you can't give yourself over to your closest comrades without fear of being vulnerable or being perceived as weak? Proving to you that you are worthy of my attention, my time, my prayers, my comforting is ROUGH.

I've always been in situations where I had to convince people that I was enough for them. This is the first season of my life where I've had to constantly tell someone that they were enough for me--for this world. Is this what God feels like?--frustrated and bemused with us?--having to constantly reassure us that She is there for us through the ups and the…

Unapologetically Me

Many people don't have the courage to walk away--to stand up to a boss or a professor, to convict a room full of people...to confront their abuser. Those women who do get labeled or called: "angry black woman," "emotional," "aggressive," "too much," etc. Truth is, most people can't handle a woman who knows who she is and stands firmly in that knowing. 
I'm learning to be okay with people being uncomfortable with me being "aggressive." I'm learning to be okay with people finding me "unapproachable." I'm okay with being labeled if it means having my freedom from the boxes people try to put me in.
I am unapologetically me, and I'm grateful for the discernnent that led me to this moment.
Follow me on this journey.


Blessed

I missed posting yesterday because my friends surprised me with a karaoke birthday party last night!


I love them. I am so blessed to have great people surrounding me. Even amidst the chaos that has been infiltrating my life over the past couple of months, my friends have carried me. They haven't left my side. They haven't forgotten about me. They have carried me to Jesus and I am so full of gratitude.

I will be posting my regularly scheduled blog later on this evening!

Cheers

Breaking Up With NYC...

BDAY

Today's my bday.
I'm exhausted.
I left my class in the middle of it, caught a cab home, and got in bed.
I missed my night class.
I have no regrets.29 is the year of total self-care and self-love.

Pre-Bday Anxiety...

I'm currently in the library (not) studying and (not) effectively writing this paper that was due 3 days ago. I got an extension because Holy Week took ya girl out, but I'd hoped I would be done with it today so that I can try to celebrate my birthday this week. However, I'm having an anxiety attack that has been in effect for about 3 hours now and i don't know if it's because

A) my birthday is tomorrow and I'm feeling old AF and not where I thought I'd be in life,
B) I'm exhausted from Holy Week, 
C) I really just don't wanna write this paper that I was so excited to write only a few days ago.
I also don't know how to make myself feel better but I'm gonna give it a try and leave this library before I blow it up. 
I think I'm going to go get a burger from my favorite spot, order dessert (which I rarely do), drink an Old Fashioned, go home, curl up in bed with a glass of red wine, and binge-watch something until I fall asleep.
Tomorrow w…

When Sunday Comes

When Sunday comes,
my trouble gone
As soon as it gets here,
I'll have a new song
When Sunday comesI won't have to cry no more
Jesus will soothe my troubled mind
All of my heartaches will be left behind;
When Sunday comes
      -Daryl Coley, Donald Lawrence & The Tri-City Singers
---
I stand in anticipation of Sunday--
Not Sunday as in Easter Sunday or any Sunday,
But for the moment when my tears dry up--
When my new song arrives--
When my heart stops palpitating--
When my breathing stabilizes--
When my anxiety disappears.I am expectant of Sunday morn--
When I can finally have a fraction of the things I dreamed about...
Just a fraction.Sunday--
When I can be resurrected
And my happiness not be dependent on
external forces.Sunday.
I'm awaiting my Sunday.

29 is Coming! -- Goals!

1. Date myself twice a month
2. Travel abroad once a year
3. Travel domestically once a year
4. Pay off my credit card debt
5. Start taking dance classes again
6. Buy each of my friend 1 "just because" gift
7. Decrease my drinking/drinking budget
8. Tell myself I'm effing gorgeous and courageous every morning before I leave the house
9. Cook more
10. Buy a car
11. Relocate
12. Secure a full-time job in ministry
13. Save $4/day
14. Explore more shade of lipstick
15. Take 24-hours of silence bi-weekly
16. Produce worship content
17. Read individual chapters in books
18. Rebuild my Sunday routine
19. Go to Queen for good food
20. Be more patient with my mom
21. Let my hair grow out
22. Throw out clothes with holes and stains
23. Give away uncomfortable shoes
24. Get a real bed
25. Bless the things I hate about myself
26.  Open an online savings account (that I can't touch)
27. Get life insurance
28. Get renter's insurance
29. Live my best life!