Skip to main content

Depression is Exhausting

Y'all.

The wrestling is exhausting.

Pretending that you're okay when, in fact, everything around you is crumbling is exhausting.

Painting a smile on top of the pain is exhausting.

Losing sleep over things you can't do anything about is exhausting.

Depression is exhausting.

I often get to the 18th hour of the day and I feel so tired. I silently interrogate my wearyness:  "What have I even done today to make me so tired?" I often feel as if my exhaustion is unwarranted--as if I don't deserve to claim such an adjective. I beat myself up over it--surely there is somebody out there who has earned this descriptor more than I have.

This wilderness that I'm struggling in is exhausting. Today's therapy session was exhausting. Healing is hard work. Being honest with yourself is hard work. My brain hurts, my heart aches, my hips sting with pain. It's like a cancer moving through my body. The laughing hurts as much as the crying. The light behind my eyes is being powered by a generator. Hell, the fact that I can even get outta bed and leave my house every day is a miracle of sorts.

But I'm still here--weary and worn, but available... available to do the work--
available to hope--
available to pray--
available to have faith.

Available.

This exhaustion won't last always.
This depression won't last always.
This wilderness is for just a season.
And through it all, I remain available.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

It's Cheaper To Die

This past December, I sat down with my checking accounts after my rent was paid, and I added up all of the past due medical bills that had been piling up for months (some, for years). I deduced that I had the funds to finally pay off the $500+ of unpaid bills--bills from the colonoscopy I had in 2014 and the biopsies I got done in November (nothing malignant was found). I was so proud of myself for paying off my medical bills at the end of the year. It felt like a tiny weight of debt was lifted from my aching back.
In January, however, I got slammed with a new set of unexpected and hefty medical bills and, honestly, my friends, it's cheaper to die. 😶
When you go to the doctor or dentist these days, there is a lot of lack of clarity about how much things cost. I knew I'd have to pay for some of the colonoscopy and x-ray, and I did so up front, but I wasn't expecting the unexpected remainder that my insurance suddenly decided not to cover to slap me across the face with th…

Surviving the Community that Supports R. Kelly (and Men Like Him)

Read Finding Love After Sexual AssaultHere
_______________________
My brilliant colleague, Danielle Williams Thiam, preached a sermon this fall on the rape of Tamar (2 Samuel 13). In her sermon she pointed out all the ways in which, not just Amnon, but the community and world in which Tamar lived participated in her rape. "Rape is a communal sin," she preached. I honor her words as a sexual assault survivor and as an advocate for holding the collective responsible for the violation of women's bodies, particularly the bodies of black and brown girls. ______________________
For every person who knew that Deacon so-and-so (who was in with the pastor) was touching little girls and turned their heads cuz they didn't want to 'fall out' with the pastor-
REPENT.
For every person who stood outside a closed door knowing that what was going on behind that door involved an abuse of power that ravaged a female body-
REPENT.
For every lawyer who knowingly defended a guilty…

Pile Up Your Affirmations

I haven't blogged in a while. I suppose it's due to many reasons. First, many of you know that I relocated to Charlotte, North Carolina at the beginning of April. I got the offer of a lifetime to come down here and do full-time ministry, focusing on the fields of spiritual formation and community outreach--which are two of my favorite things in ministry. I left New York after 8 LONG years of hustling and self-discovery, saying "yes" to God and the unknown yet again. For my final sermon in New York, I preached about God's command to varying groups of people in the book of Genesis to "fill the earth" (Gen 1:28, Gen 9:1, Gen 9:7). I  knocked down the Towers of Babel that I'd built over the years and I ventured forth into the mystery. 
This journey has been a tumultuous one. It has been one of many ups and downs over the past 18 months. For the most part, I am grateful--grateful for the opportunities that have come my way--for the accolades, for the aw…