It wasn't long ago that I thought I'd be married by 30... Or at least around 30...32 maybe? But recently, I let go of that dream. Its not gone completely; I'm just not holding on to it so tightly. It was beginning to make me feel like a failure. 😑 As I swiftly approach 29, I seem to have lost the desire to try to meet any romantic relationship goals I had for myself. I'm also not sure if I want to spend my 30's waiting on my spouse to grow up only for him to release a banging album about how he grew up...AT FORTY-SEVEN! Lol No shade Jayonce😎🌴. I'm just saying.
The thing is, I want to have a baby. Pause...I know, I know. cuhrazy right? Recently, I have found myself daydreaming about giving birth with a doula or midwife. I'm not sure what that's all about, but #babyfever is real. My ovaries go into overdrive every time a baby smiles at me on the train or at church. I want to experience growing something inside of me and giving birth in my home... in a pool... in the living room... like the cool women on YouTube. I want to make organic baby food and read Baldwin to my toddler as Nina Simone plays softly in the background, so they know their black history from day one. I wanna dress them in fabrics from the Motherland--kente and mud cloth hats and dresses. I wanna feel like Superwoman. Like for real.
See, if I can just get my life together in the next year and a half, I can do this...on my own, right? I've been coming in contact with many women in their early 40's who have chosen single motherhood. Maybe they got tired of waiting for the right person or the right circumstances. Maybe they had a change of heart regarding becoming a parent. I've also been reading Shonda Rhimes' 2014 bestseller, Year of Yes. She is a badass woman who chose motherhood in her early 30's, without a partner. She now has 3 kids and a television empire! (She's bae 😍)
Whatever it is, these women made the choice to be mothers--a choice that I desire to make someday soon. It'll take me a few years to work out the life kinks (like getting a stable job after I finish my 3rd degree), but if I can be intentional about my acting/music career, my various educational pursuits, and my calling into ministry, then I can be just as intentional about my desire to be a mother.
It's hard being a woman--having feelings and desires about marriage and motherhood in a world that shames you for ditching a board meeting for your child's piano recital. It's hard to speak your dreams and desires aloud when you know that they will be looked down upon by many. How dare I discuss my desire to give birth in a pool in my living room? How dare I envision myself preaching pregnant, waddling across the pulpit in 4 inch boots? How dare I dream about teaching Bible study or directing the choir with my infant strapped to my chest?
I wanna have a baby. I'm no longer afraid to express this desire publicly. I don't care what anybody thinks. And I don't need a man to do it (thank you, science). I'm beginning to work on a loose 3-5 year plan and motherhood is in there. So, catch me in 5 years, God willing, and this blog might have a different name.