Skip to main content

Daydreaming About Greater

This is one of those rambling posts. I promised myself I'd do 365 days of blogging, meaning I'd write publicly every day from January 8th, 2018 to January 8th, 2019. Whew! This has been a whirlwind experience! Something about journaling publicly holds me a certain kind of accountable...to the world and to myself.  I started on the 8th by venting my very raw emotions. I was tired. I was hurting. I was healing. I was trying to process the past 18 months of my life--trying to unpack the roller-coaster ride that is "stepping into my calling." And I'm exhausted!

There are great days--days where I've written some of the most profound analyses on life and love, on pushing through pain and surviving black womanhood. There have been days when nothing seemingly profound wants to come out. There are posts filled with honesty--like admitting to the world that I'm a working woman who desires to have a baby, with or without a partner [Read Here]. There are posts filled with covert ramblings--not dishonest writing, per se, but the profound and profane had to be hidden beneath coded language because my privacy is still important.

Today, I'm tired. Nothing amazing or shocking to report here. I'm simply reflecting on life, fighting through this blog post, daydreaming about the greater that God has for me that I cannot even imagine--a greater that usurps exhaustion and heartbreak and disappointment and uncertainty--a greater that even transcends my current joys and aspirations. I'm daydreaming about greater tonight, hoping that it calls me out of the shadows of the current and into the spotlight of the present.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Finding Love after Sexual Assault

Disclaimer: For mature audiences only
I was sexually assaulted on a first date when I was 24. The events of that evening landed me in Harlem Hospital at 2 am with a concussion and a bruise on my forehead (among other things). During the hours in which I took up residence in a private emergency room, I was coached by a nurse on how to proceed--to take legal action immediately or to not take legal action...to complete a rape kit or to not complete a rape kit. It was overwhelming. I also had to take 17 pills, mostly anti-viral meds. It was intense. There was a moment when I looked up to the ceiling and silently bemoaned. "Really God?" I said, as the quick air from a painful chuckle slipped through my lips. I felt like I was in an episode of Law & Order: SVU. I felt defeated. I felt stupid. I felt isolated. And all because I said, "yes." The details of what transpired that evening are not important to this post. What is important, however, is how the lingering trau…

"We Thought You'd Be Next." πŸ’πŸ‘°πŸΎπŸ€ͺ

Recently, my little brother got engaged. πŸŽ‰ But can I just say, Hashtag Triggered?! πŸ˜‘
I was very thrilled that he finally proposed to his now fiance and that I absolutely love her. She is so sweet and brings goodness into his world. I'm so excited for them. However, during my last trip home to New Orleans, a family member was chatting with me about it and asked about my relationship, and then proceeded to say,
"I thought you'd be next." 😣
B*TCH, ME TOO! DAMN!
I did not say this aloud as I was in my father's house (#shondo #imchurchy), but everything in my body tensed up. Every hair stood up on my boiling skin and my heart began palpitating as I attempted to calmly explain why I wouldn't "be next" while simultaneously trying not to burst into tears in front of company. I started rambling about my burgeoning career--about "our" careers--and attempting to refocus the conversation while wanting to jump into the large pot of red beans simmer…

Embrace Your Evolution

Today, I learned that God's plans for us aren't final--that sometimes life/humans get in the way, and even God has to start all over again with the planning.
We may hear God speaking to us about something very specific that God has planned for us and years later, be questioning whether what was spoken was really God or some made up voice in our heads. Usually, we're interrogating that when we feel betrayed by what we thought was a God-plan that didn't come to fruition, or when we feel that God has been silent for too long and the plan hasn't manifested the way we thought it should've. We start to think we've misunderstood God.
But perhaps, God is rearranging some things--that God is adjusting God's plan for our lives so that it can stay true to the ways in which we've evolved since the plan was spoken. Perhaps, God is staying true to the ways people and the universe have evolved. Perhaps, the original plan no longer fits.
This was a most freeing r…