Skip to main content

Am I Dying?

I'm not feeling well today. My body has been in shambles for a few weeks and I'm procrastinating on doctors appointments because...I don't know. The doctors haven't been able to heal my chronic pain for years, so I've just about given up. Stomach ulcers, debilitating acid reflux, asthma, chest pains--the list goes on and as I age, I'm forced to come to terms with my mortality. Today, I thought a lot about death. As I sat in my office at the church, I thought, "Am I dying?" "Is this what a slow, painful death feels like?"

I've always been obsessed with death--with what happens in the finals days and final moments of life. I'm really intrigued by people who document their terminal illnesses, letting us into their very personal conversations with God and with themselves in their last days, weeks, months, and years. I've read countless cancer blogs and I've watched people video log their lives up until their last breath. Weird, I know. But what I love about them--the people who are no longer with us--is how real and how honest they are...were--with themselves and with the world.

I desire to have that kind of honesty, which is, perhaps, why I write. If I were to die tomorrow, I'd want the world to look back at this blog and say, "Thank you for being so real." I'd want people to know that even in moments of despair, joy is possible. I'd want people to feel empowered to talk about their pain--to let their triumph be the catalyst for someone else's breakthrough. I suppose I'm avoiding going to the doctor because the diagnosis could severely change my life. I know I'm sick--that my body is unable to do what it used to do--what it's supposed to do. I know surgery is imminent. But I also know grace and I know love. I know that amidst our heartaches and heartbreaks--amidst our excruciating stomach pains and migraines--there is a hope that carries us forward, breathing wind beneath wings when didn't know we had.

I'm seconds away from crawling into bed, thinking about dying. 
Every day we're dying. Every hour. Every minute. Every second. 

What would we be honest about if we knew it were our last day on earth?


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

"We Thought You'd Be Next." πŸ’πŸ‘°πŸΎπŸ€ͺ

Recently, my little brother got engaged. πŸŽ‰ But can I just say, Hashtag Triggered?! πŸ˜‘
I was very thrilled that he finally proposed to his now fiance and that I absolutely love her. She is so sweet and brings goodness into his world. I'm so excited for them. However, during my last trip home to New Orleans, a family member was chatting with me about it and asked about my relationship, and then proceeded to say,
"I thought you'd be next." 😣
B*TCH, ME TOO! DAMN!
I did not say this aloud as I was in my father's house (#shondo #imchurchy), but everything in my body tensed up. Every hair stood up on my boiling skin and my heart began palpitating as I attempted to calmly explain why I wouldn't "be next" while simultaneously trying not to burst into tears in front of company. I started rambling about my burgeoning career--about "our" careers--and attempting to refocus the conversation while wanting to jump into the large pot of red beans simmer…

It's Cheaper To Die

This past December, I sat down with my checking accounts after my rent was paid, and I added up all of the past due medical bills that had been piling up for months (some, for years). I deduced that I had the funds to finally pay off the $500+ of unpaid bills--bills from the colonoscopy I had in 2014 and the biopsies I got done in November (nothing malignant was found). I was so proud of myself for paying off my medical bills at the end of the year. It felt like a tiny weight of debt was lifted from my aching back.
In January, however, I got slammed with a new set of unexpected and hefty medical bills and, honestly, my friends, it's cheaper to die. 😢
When you go to the doctor or dentist these days, there is a lot of lack of clarity about how much things cost. I knew I'd have to pay for some of the colonoscopy and x-ray, and I did so up front, but I wasn't expecting the unexpected remainder that my insurance suddenly decided not to cover to slap me across the face with th…

Surviving the Community that Supports R. Kelly (and Men Like Him)

Read Finding Love After Sexual AssaultHere
_______________________
My brilliant colleague, Danielle Williams Thiam, preached a sermon this fall on the rape of Tamar (2 Samuel 13). In her sermon she pointed out all the ways in which, not just Amnon, but the community and world in which Tamar lived participated in her rape. "Rape is a communal sin," she preached. I honor her words as a sexual assault survivor and as an advocate for holding the collective responsible for the violation of women's bodies, particularly the bodies of black and brown girls. ______________________
For every person who knew that Deacon so-and-so (who was in with the pastor) was touching little girls and turned their heads cuz they didn't want to 'fall out' with the pastor-
REPENT.
For every person who stood outside a closed door knowing that what was going on behind that door involved an abuse of power that ravaged a female body-
REPENT.
For every lawyer who knowingly defended a guilty…