Tired of Proving Their Worthiness

It's exhausting trying to repeatedly convince somebody that they are worthy of your love. Almost as exhausting as it is to try to convince them that you are worthy of theirs. What crossing over into my 29th year has shown me is that I have little patience for people who feel they aren't worthy of my love in their roughest moments. What's the point of life--the point of friendship or relationship--if you can't give yourself over to your closest comrades without fear of being vulnerable or being perceived as weak? Proving to you that you are worthy of my attention, my time, my prayers, my comforting is ROUGH.

I've always been in situations where I had to convince people that I was enough for them. This is the first season of my life where I've had to constantly tell someone that they were enough for me--for this world. Is this what God feels like?--frustrated and bemused with us?--having to constantly reassure us that She is there for us through the ups and the downs?

How long can you bear the cross of someone else's insecurities before you have to let go and let them walk the lonesome valley by themselves?--before you have to let go and let them figure out their worthiness on their own?

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"We Thought You'd Be Next." 💍👰🏾🤪

Recently, my little brother got engaged. 🎉 But can I just say, Hashtag Triggered?! 😑
I was very thrilled that he finally proposed to his now fiance and that I absolutely love her. She is so sweet and brings goodness into his world. I'm so excited for them. However, during my last trip home to New Orleans, a family member was chatting with me about it and asked about my relationship, and then proceeded to say,
"I thought you'd be next." 😣
B*TCH, ME TOO! DAMN!
I did not say this aloud as I was in my father's house (#shondo #imchurchy), but everything in my body tensed up. Every hair stood up on my boiling skin and my heart began palpitating as I attempted to calmly explain why I wouldn't "be next" while simultaneously trying not to burst into tears in front of company. I started rambling about my burgeoning career--about "our" careers--and attempting to refocus the conversation while wanting to jump into the large pot of red beans simmer…

It's Cheaper To Die

This past December, I sat down with my checking accounts after my rent was paid, and I added up all of the past due medical bills that had been piling up for months (some, for years). I deduced that I had the funds to finally pay off the $500+ of unpaid bills--bills from the colonoscopy I had in 2014 and the biopsies I got done in November (nothing malignant was found). I was so proud of myself for paying off my medical bills at the end of the year. It felt like a tiny weight of debt was lifted from my aching back.
In January, however, I got slammed with a new set of unexpected and hefty medical bills and, honestly, my friends, it's cheaper to die. 😶
When you go to the doctor or dentist these days, there is a lot of lack of clarity about how much things cost. I knew I'd have to pay for some of the colonoscopy and x-ray, and I did so up front, but I wasn't expecting the unexpected remainder that my insurance suddenly decided not to cover to slap me across the face with th…

It's Not "Goodbye;" It's "See Ya Later."

Early Monday morning--after getting off the phone with my therapist (Hey Girl!)--I put on my big girl pants, opened my laptop, and typed a letter to my bi-costal acting manager stating my departure from the industry and, thus, his management company. It's been a long time coming. As I've continued to grow in ministry, I've become more and more selective about the projects I've auditioned for, even turning down a few things here and there in order to focus on my "call." My manager is so sweet and supportive, and has stuck with me as I've wrestled with this call into ministry (since 2015). As doors have continued to open up in academia, ministry, and beyond, I thought it best to bow out gracefully (for now).

I'm truly grateful to have been able to share my life with thousands of people across the world--to perform on tours and do shows in amazing cities. I am a better preacher and minister because of my wonderful experiences in the theatre. I still ac…

God and Wine

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