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Anxious Reminders

I am in the middle of an anxiety attack caused by reasons I can't fully disclose.
I'll just say that when I speak of the harmful and violent rhetoric that is spoken from the pulpit, my body has a visceral reaction. It's like a heart-racing, panic-inducing moment that both angers and devastates me. I was reliving the moment I decided to leave a church years ago behind the problematic theology that was/is being taught there, and the anxiety that has crept in has been almost debilitating.

Reliving that trauma is heartbreaking and not having the space to cope and recover (because I have class until 9 pm) has been tough. Separating from friends and tasks that I loved was like the worst kind of break up. There are still remnants of the tears I didn't cry back then wallowed up inside of me, itching to break free. And so, my heart beaks--not just for myself but for all who have sat in violent spaces where their identities have been castrated...where their very humanity has been disavowed or ignored.

I survived.
We can survive
We can press on.

And I am reminded of the task set before me--
to do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with God. [Micah 6:8]

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