The Dating Chronicles: Part V

Explicative & candid accounts of the tumultuous dating and relationship experiences of me and my girlfriends. ---


V. 
There are 4 types of people on dating apps and websites that I don't understand: 

A) --a person who has huge grammatical and spelling issues in his online dating profile. Like, bruh, this is my first impression of you! Can you at least TRY to not write in all caps? Can you TRY to send your bio through the spellchecker on Microsoft Word before repeatedly posting "your" when you mean "you're." We all make mistakes, but you didn't even TRY to use punctuation! If your bio is one giant run-on sentence, I'm not interested. Looks like you need a tutor, not a girlfriend. Oh, and maybe curb your use of "u" for "you," "4" for "for," and "2" for "too," "two,"or "to," provided you know (not "no") the difference. Whew![wipes sweat off of forehead] Thanks, management. 

B) --the obvious generic messenger who clearly didn't read your carefully crafted bio or look at the fact that you two only have 36% compatibility. He sends you a message like this: "Hey beautiful! You seem like someone I'd like to get to know. If you're free tonight, we should meet up at (insert neighborhood-bar-close-to-his-apartment-so-that-he-can-have-a-better-chance-of-getting-laid here) to see if there is a connection." How many women have you sent this crap to? 

C)--the man who has a profile picture with another man, a woman, or a bunch of people. Now, sir, why did you post a pic of you next to another man? This seriously happened to me not long ago and I had to ask him which man he was from the photo (not that I cared because they were both ugly). But seriously, either you're gay (which is totally fine, and I'll direct you to my ton of gay male friends) or you're stupid. Secondly, If you're posing with a woman who looks too old to be your daughter/niece, we're gonna assume that she's an ex of some sort, so you've already lost big points. Like, why? And if you're buried in a group of people, I quit. I'm not here to play Where's Waldo?

D) --the man who liked 50-11 of your pictures, sends you winks, pokes you (or whatever-the-hell else there is to do), BUT doesn't send you a message.   NEGRO, if you don't stop playing these elementary school games...!!! What's the point, sir? I feel like I'm back in middle school with these damned-near 40-year old men poking me like it's the year 2009 on Facebook. Boy, bye.

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I'd definitely like to raise my hand and opt out of this dating thing. I feel like online dating is like shopping at Marshall's--you gotta dig through all of the raggedy rubbish to find what looks like the perfect pair of church slacks, and then cross your fingers and hope that the thread hanging from the bottom doesn't unravel the entire right leg. And that's too much work. I quit. 

...nah, I guess I'll go on this date tonight. [crosses fingers and hopes he's not a jerk] 

Below is a message a guy sent me once on a popular dating app. Le sigh.






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