Skip to main content

Love Letter: the Music in Me




I think I fell in love with you when I was 13-- when I discovered the power you had over my life or the power you placed within me. Or maybe I fell in love with you when my fingers first graced the ebony and ivories of the wooden piano in my childhood home. Or maybe, it was long before that. Perhaps, I subconsciously fell in love with you while in my mothers womb--The sweet sounds of my father's genius fingers or my mother's angelic voice providing comfort as I sprouted from a seed in life's garden. Or perhaps, it was at conception. I don't quite remember the exact moment, year, month, week, age, or time of day. I just know that I woke up one day in a whirlwind romantic affair with you. All of a sudden, a life without you was unimaginable. Even when it seemed more painful to live with you than without you, you stuck by be and never let me go. I owe so much to you. So much of who I am is YOU. 

I often think to myself, will I ever be able to love another? Will our love affair always take precedence over my relationships with others? Will I always feel like I'm cheating on them with you? Or maybe cheating on you with them? Will you ever set me free to be, or can I not be me with you? I owe so much to you. So much of who I am is YOU. 

I've thought about breaking things off...ending things with you. I've strongly considered the possibility of being "normal"...whatever that means...except, without you, I feel empty. You are the surge of energy that boils by blood and calms my spirit. My souls cries for you. In my darkest hours, you bring me fluorescent harmonies. I am healed by you. In moments of overwhelming simplicity, you fill my mind with melodic counterpoint. I am healed by you. In moments of monotony, you syncopate the beats of my heart, allowing me to move apart from the rest...and in that separation from all that is "ordinary" and "holy," you have allowed me to become EXTRAORDINARY. With you I reach new heights and I climb new fears. You have healed me. I could forever be indebted to you but I've decided to use you as a source of spiritual growth and show you off as an example of all that's good and perfect in my life. I will live my life forever trying to give to the world all that you have given to me. 

Maybe I've fallen in love with you time and again. Maybe, with love, there is no specific moment, year, month, week, age or time of day. Maybe, like a colorful landscaped garden, love grows where it is carefully nurtured. Or maybe, love grows wildly like the weeds of a vast country field. Whenever or however it grows, it happens and, like an uneven time signature of 5/4 or 7/8, catches us off guard. What I know for sure is that my love for you runs deeper than any ocean or higher than any mountain. I am healed by you. I am you and you are me. 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Finding Love after Sexual Assault

Disclaimer: For mature audiences only
I was sexually assaulted on a first date when I was 24. The events of that evening landed me in Harlem Hospital at 2 am with a concussion and a bruise on my forehead (among other things). During the hours in which I took up residence in a private emergency room, I was coached by a nurse on how to proceed--to take legal action immediately or to not take legal action...to complete a rape kit or to not complete a rape kit. It was overwhelming. I also had to take 17 pills, mostly anti-viral meds. It was intense. There was a moment when I looked up to the ceiling and silently bemoaned. "Really God?" I said, as the quick air from a painful chuckle slipped through my lips. I felt like I was in an episode of Law & Order: SVU. I felt defeated. I felt stupid. I felt isolated. And all because I said, "yes." The details of what transpired that evening are not important to this post. What is important, however, is how the lingering trau…

"We Thought You'd Be Next." πŸ’πŸ‘°πŸΎπŸ€ͺ

Recently, my little brother got engaged. πŸŽ‰ But can I just say, Hashtag Triggered?! πŸ˜‘
I was very thrilled that he finally proposed to his now fiance and that I absolutely love her. She is so sweet and brings goodness into his world. I'm so excited for them. However, during my last trip home to New Orleans, a family member was chatting with me about it and asked about my relationship, and then proceeded to say,
"I thought you'd be next." 😣
B*TCH, ME TOO! DAMN!
I did not say this aloud as I was in my father's house (#shondo #imchurchy), but everything in my body tensed up. Every hair stood up on my boiling skin and my heart began palpitating as I attempted to calmly explain why I wouldn't "be next" while simultaneously trying not to burst into tears in front of company. I started rambling about my burgeoning career--about "our" careers--and attempting to refocus the conversation while wanting to jump into the large pot of red beans simmer…

For Colored Girls Who Aren't Afraid to Acknowledge Their Therapist, Pt. 2

A lot of people have read my earlier post (For Colored Girls Who Aren't Afraid to Acknowledge Their Therapist, Pt. 1) about being a strong black woman who unashamedly has a therapist. I've gotten a few comments like:
"Mia! You've always seemed like you had it all together! I'm surprised."
"Mia, this is my life! I've had/I'm having trouble finding a therapist too!"
"I had no idea therapy costs that much! Why won't insurance cover mental health care like they cover everything else?"
1.So, let me say this: I'm grateful to know that I am not alone in this process--that there are friends and colleagues who are doing or want to do work on themselves so that they, too, can be healthy. My generation might be deemed selfish or self-absorbed by older onlookers, but many of us are outchea tryna to cultivate the best version of ourselves--the version our families and communities expect from us. We ain't just outchea overachieving for …