
Today was my LAST first day of school as a full-time seminarian! 💪 Yes, it's a 3 year Master/Mistress of Divinity degree program, but I completed the coursework in 2 years and although I still have to write my thesis and complete a Clinical Pastoral Care fellowship this summer, I AM DONE WITH CLASSES! Praise God from whom all blessings flow! I am still open to taking a class or two next year if my budget allows, but I am at $90,000 in student loan debt, so this decision to hustle--to take 18 graduate credits a semester, amidst summer and winter break classes--was about protecting my finances and creating time to practice this new thing--ministry--in a sort of "gap year" while I write my thesis and prepare for ordination (and make some money). I am currently researching and reading as I discern the topic of my 50+ page thesis--a requirement for my degree program. God willing, I will begin writing in August, and this thesis will be the beginning of a book.

So, today was a good day; and yet, I'm scared. I started having a massive itching/scratching attack around 6:30 pm (I scratch frantically when my nervous system goes haywire). I'm scared because I can't enjoy good days. I'm always looking over my shoulder for the unexpected sledgehammer to come slicing through and pounding on the joy and the smiles. I struggle with enjoying the good days because I know what it's like to be blindsided by life. Just when the sun shines so beautifully through your bedroom window--waking you up with a smile on your face--somebody dies...a partner breaks up with you...a friend or mentor stops f***ing with you...the ceiling bursts in your bathroom, leaking water everywhere! I'm so accustomed to being disappointed that I felt guilty, today, for experiencing a moment of joy on this LAST first day of formal classes at the seminary. Guilty for experiencing a moment of joy.
But I will post these selfies...because I deserve to capture this moment in time--this moment when I'm not crying, or short of breath, or having an anxiety attack, or scratching profusely, or overwhelmed, or worrisome.
This morning, I was certain...
certain that I was alive
certain that I was experiencing joy
certain that my smile was genuine and not forced
certain that God created me to thrive
certain that I was/am beautiful
certain that I will survive.
I am certain
that my present sufferings
can't be compared
to the glory revealed.
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