Just when you think you're where you're supposed to be, God shows up and reminds you not to get too comfortable. I've been struggling with something for quite sometime now. I'm actually uncomfortable with sharing most of what I'm struggling with, but I will say this: I've never been afraid of following my dreams. I've always done what I wanted to do, both good and bad, and I've lived out my wildest dreams and fantasies. I remember when I was applying for college and my parents tried to convince me to a) apply to more than one school b) apply to schools closer to home c) consider majoring in something other than or in addition to theatre. Well, I did none of the above lol -- I applied to Syracuse University, early decision, as a candidate for a BFA in Musical Theatre. I also think about how I fearfully, yet boldly, moved to NYC five days after graduation. I say all that to reiterate that I've always believed in my dreams enough to go after them fervently and vivaciously.
I've been called to do something bold and powerful with my life--it's not a lifelong dream of mine and it makes me uncomfortable to discuss or even fathom quietly. I've pushed it away for so long but it keeps coming back. A calling is not quite like a dream. It comes from a divine source that places a seed within you...a seed you weren't necessarily expecting...a seed that catches you off guard. As this unexpected tree begins to grow inside you, feelings of uneasiness begin to creep in. You have little to no knowledge about how to nurture this tree. Many times you're tempted to cut the tree down all together--and you did--but divine intervention made sure the tree didn't die. The seed may even lay dormant in you for years before a plant starts to grow. Your uneasiness may waver and at times you think the tree may have died within you, but in a quick moment you are reminded of the calling that never died, never left, and is waiting to blossom within you and the world beyond.
Recently I was listening to the new India Arie album, SongVersation! It's so dope btw. She has a few life changing moments on that album--Break the Shell and Soulbird Rise. They speak on following your heart/dreams/passions, etc...same stuff I've always known. However, I started thinking; I've followed many "dreams" in my lifetime; I've embraced many passions throughout these 24 years; I have lived a lot and loved a little, but have I been truly listening to the deepest desires of my heart? Have the dreams I've been chasing been the dreams that I'm supposed to chase? Or have they been the comfortable dreams? Have they been dreams that used to make sense to me 6 years ago but don't anymore and am I afraid to admit that to myself? I started thinking about this calling on my life and why I haven't been honest and open about it. I'm scared, sure, but of what? Rejection? Isolation? Other people's disappointment or lack of understanding? It's extremely uncomfortable to think about and I'm a bit annoyed and uneasy with the thought that everything I've done in my life--all of the education and experiences--have not prepared me the least bit for this calling. Or maybe it has. I don't know, and I don't like not knowing. That, too, is uncomfortable; but as Pastor Mike pointed out yesterday, "life begins at the end of your comfort zone." I think I'm ready to live.
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